• Complicated Shit.

    by  • October 14, 2010 • Frustration, Grief, Love - Pure and Simple, Miss You, Those Gone Before Us, Yearning for You • 0 Comments

    Hey AP.

    We really should have dated way back when. We were so into each other, it’s not even funny. The car accident changed everything. After he died, I was scared, nervous, young, immature, I didn’t know what to do. I had no idea how to comfort you. That’s the real reason I never called. It wasn’t because I was on the other side of the country for the summer. I was just scared. You have no idea how much I cried. I didn’t even know him. I cried for you. I was scared, and empty, and I couldn’t fix things like wanted to.
    When you stopped going to school, I was broken. I couldn’t go see you, because I had been a jerk that summer. I was scared, like everyone else. We were all scared, we didn’t know how to help you.

    When I saw you at your locker the following year, you have no idea how happy I was. The only way I knew how you were doing was through Josh. He gave me updates every once in a while, even when we weren’t friends anymore. When I didn’t see you the next day, I went home and cried. I was so terrified for you. You had such a hard time, like anyone in your situation would have. You know that letter I wrote you? You never responded. That hurt, because I know you got it. You showed me it in your room. I don’t understand why you didn’t respond. Probably because you were scared too.

    Senior year, when I saw you at the game, I felt so awkward. I’m glad we tried though. I’m glad we attempted having a legit relationship again. I’m sad it didn’t work out, but honestely, 15 year old us was right. We’re not right for each other. We just tear each other down from the inside out. We’re scared to hurt one another, so we’re just jerks. We’re scared to call, we want to hang out, but we talk for hours when we do, we break down walls no one else has broken down. I don’t know about you, but I know how much this scares me, and that’s why we’ll never be together. We’re just too scared to destroy another relationship. You lost your brother, and when that happened, I lost you. I don’t want to lose you.

    I hope that we can be friends again. I love you, and I always will, kid. Talk to me again? Because clearly I’m still too afraid to talk to you.

    Love, your old friend,

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