• Day One

    by  • October 12, 2010 • Grief, Guilt, Heartbreak, Lost Love, Love - Pure and Simple, Miss You, Those Gone Before Us • 0 Comments

    Hey. I don’t know what to say anymore. Everything had changed between us before that day and I will NEVER forgive myself. I guess I just miss you. I guess I just miss us. And I guess I always will. I didn’t think I would ever know what it feels like to love something that literally leaves you forever. And not even breaks up with you, not even says something like leave me alone, or, get out of my face. Like, literally leaves earth for some place up in the sky that everyone says is a better place.

    Well, I hope it’s great. Cuz down here? It still suckssssss. I’m sure you’re thinking I’m sorry, or whatever, but it’s not your fault. Well maybe it is. But that fight, that 2am call, that was all me. I know it was, and if sorry would rewind every single thing in my life and bring you home to earth where you belong….then I am sooooooooooo unbelieveably sorry, you have no idea.

    But reality always seems to kick me in the ass and say ” hey stupid, its your fault he pulled it, its your fault his family is in so much pain, and your fault you would love to be dead now, because if you didn’t make that 2am mistake, he would still be here and you could lie in his arms for the rest of your life. But since you’re stupid, he’s not. So wake up, barbie-girl-wanna-be, love doesn’t exist.” Haha, it’s almost hilarious to me, or maybe it’s just my crying hysterics. I can’t feel a difference anymore.

    Goddddddddddd. I cry every night, and you’re still gone. I try to stop thinking about you, but you’re still gone. I try to get over you, but you’re still gone. GONE. 4 words. So easy to say. So easy to think. So painful to hear. And you know what? No matter what happens, you will always be that, the “G word” my G word, my pain.

    I am going to try to move on now, as I have a milion times before, because I know you just want me to be happy. But I am always going to LOVE you. I am. You and I both know that it was, is, will be forever, the real thing. I guess I’ll be back on day 2. And I will still be me. Still be missing you. Always loving you. Hating that gun.

    I really hope you are in a better place, with pretty girls, and all the burgers you can eat, no screaming and tons of love. 🙂 I know that would make you smile, but smiling hurts me now.

    Well, if you were here you would tell me to do my work, so I could have fun later, and “enjoy my youth” so, I will. Tonight I will tell you how it went, and tomorrow I will write another letter. I miss you and I love you.

    I’m going to visit you after school today, I even brought your favorite cologne, and a new picture of your puppy.

    See you in a little bit,


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