• I’m Suffocating

    by  • October 8, 2010 • Family Stuff, Fear, Grief, Love - Pure and Simple, Parents • 0 Comments


    Although I understand it happened over 2 years ago, I just can’t forget it. I can’t forget the fact that you seem to think it’s something to be forgotten. Being so scared for your life that you’ll lock yourself in a room for more than 3 hours until someone can come save you. Being so scared in your own home just isn’t fair. He’s my brother, and I’m meant to love him, but I don’t, I hate him. I hate it even more when I remember you giving him a cuddle after it happened when he was crying, as he gave me dirty looks over your shoulder, whilst you told me it was my fault too. How could you even say that? How did you let him get away with that?

    You even got mad at me as I was crying and saying that he’ll end up in jail for my murder one day, even Z commented on how he could end up in some gang! I’ve told you that if he ever tries to hurt me again, I will call the police. You think I’m kidding about that, but I’m not, I shouldn’t be scared in my own home.

    I can’t even stand being in a room for more than 5 minutes with him now, yet you expect me to spend, ‘quality family time’ with you and him. You don’t understand that it still hurts after 2 years, you think I should’ve moved on by now. But death threats, being so scared for your life that you’ll lock yourself up for hours, and knowing that if he had gotten the chance, he would’ve killed me is not just something I can get over. It’s not my fault dad’s gone to another country to work, and it’s not my fault that he’s having an affair and that you’ve had a really tough life. Please stop taking everything out on me, as it’s not my fault.

    I get so angry with you all the time, yet I’m so scared that you’ll die, or just leave me after we’ve had a fight, so I always make sure I apologise, always make sure that I say I love you before you go anywhere, and before we go to bed. Yet, I can’t wait to leave, I just want to get away but I can’t even leave over New Years, I did this year and at the sound of your voice I sobbed. I love you so much, mum.

    Why can’t you see how much pain I’m in?


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