I’m not sure if you read this website. I really hope you don’t. There’s a lot I’m not telling you so I can keep you happy. I know that would hurt you more than me actually telling you that I still do it. But I want you to think that I’m okay.
I still think about it all the time. I keep a razor under my mattress just so I can always be assured that I’ll have it in case I want it again. That’s horrible, I know. I hate that I’m that weak. I want to be healthy and happy. I just don’t think I know how to be. I wish I could tell you everything that was happening around me, and why I feel like I need that release. Maybe that would help. I want to be able to tell you how scared I am and how guilty I always feel. I want to be someone that makes you happy though.
You think I’m strong enough not to do it. I wish I was. But it’s the first thing I think about it when I feel so guilty and like such a bad person. I want to be able to protect everyone. I feel like I should be able to. And when I can’t, it’s like there’s something swirling violently in the pit of my stomach. I’m afraid it’s going to suck me in. I think that’s why I do it, or why I have to keep that thing close to me all the time. I’m so sorry I’m not stronger. I want to be someone you can depend on without worrying that I’m going to mess everything up again. I love you so, so much.
I promise I’m going to try stop again. Not because of you. That’d be a bad reason. I know I was happier when I didn’t. It’s just hard to remember that when I’m afraid I’m going to collapse from guilt. I’m sorry I’m so afraid to tell you how hard it is. I do trust you. I just want to be someone who makes you happy. So here’s me trying to stop, round three. Wish me luck.