In the beginning I couldn’t stand you. I was convinced that you were determined to drive me crazy.
We started doing more things together. You said you wouldn’t fight with me anymore and you didn’t. Instead you turned on your charm because I was not convinced at first that you were really going to be nice. But you were. Super sweet too.
My wall came down. That is not an easy thing for someone to do and you did it. We were getting really close. Found out we liked the same things. We laughed all the time. It was fun. Everybody was happy that we were getting along. I wasn’t bitching about you all the time.
When things first happened the day after Christmas, I really didn’t see it coming. It was the first sign of where we were headed. T had seen us and was really mad. I fought it. I fought you. I told you nothing would ever happen between us. I told you all the reasons. They were all logical. #1 was I am married and it just wasn’t going to happen. You backed off. I didn’t like that AT ALL. I understood it. I even asked for it in a way. But I didn’t like it.
The first 3 months of 2010 were crazy. Truth is I liked you better when you were high. It mellowed you out. That night we laid on the living room floor staring into each other’s eyes for hours was the best. Those beautiful blue eyes. I loved being the one that you opened up to. I liked being your safe place. It all came so easy for us. It all felt so nice and right.
We talked about what happened in March. Eventually we were OK-sort of. Not like before. But I would take anything. But things had changed. You would use me for what you wanted and I would get it/give it.
April and May were completely fucked up. What happened at the end of May was just the result of hardly seeing each other for 2 months.
So I have been miserable since. You are right. Everything you said that night was right. We can’t seem to think one rational thought between us when we get like that. It is this insane, risky, exciting and out of control wanting each other that is going to ruin us. We are impossible, the situation is impossible.
I love you. I have told you. I mean it. I always will. I dream about you. I always keep you in the back of my mind. All last week things reminded me of you. I still have the CD you burned in my car. This is hard because I don’t know if you ever think about me. We locked on each other for a few seconds in August when I was at your house. I don’t know what it meant. I see you and my heart tries to jump out of my chest. I still fight for you with everyone. People say you are stupid. It pisses me off. They don’t know you like I do. Never will. I will always defend you.
In June when I asked for your help and you said “sounds like a pesonal problem” I was crazy pissed. You could of helped me with it and you didn’t. Wouldn’t even try. Now this is what we are left with. I am dealing with it. Not well, but best I can. I think you broke my heart. I can’t seem to fix it.
Yet I trust you. I trust you to keep our secret. My biggest secret. I hope someday we will be OK again. I miss you.