• Why do i do this to myself?

    by  • October 5, 2010 • * Safe for Work *, Frustration, Grief, Inspiration, Loneliness, Self-Esteem • 0 Comments

    Dear Becky, the ugliest girl in the world,

    You’re OCD…about every little thing. It’s driving me crazy. You need everything to be scheduled, and freak out when things don’t go according to plan. I could accept that need, but you never help ANYONE actually abide by YOUR own plan.

    You micromanage the day, and then can’t leave the house on time because you don’t look perfect, because you didn’t get out of bed the first five times the alarm went off. You stayed out too late the night before, when you knew you have to get up early, and smoked pot all night–getting high and forgetting about your responisibilites.

    You’re the pickiest eater i’ve ever met. Milk, bread, cheese, fish, and not for the taste, or an allergy, or any logical reason, NO, you can’t stand the ‘texture’. You eat the same ten foods, all of them junk food, and complain when you feel like shit. NO DUH.

    You fail, you really do. You over-estimate yourself so much. You think you can function like a normal person. You ‘pretend’ you can actually get out of bed, get dressed, and interact with society like a normal person. BUT WHO ARE YOU KIDDING?? You get upset when your shoes look at you the wrong way.

    You do this to yourself, really. That’s the worst part. You procrastinate taking your pills…all day, sometimes. You have it in the back of your head, all day, you know you need to take them. You know that would make all the difference. You know you would be able to function…able to communicate…able to interact with other people without biting their heads off and stomping on their souls like the hopes and dreams of orphans.

    You’re setting yourself up to fail when you don’t take your pills. That’s why you don’t have any friends. You get ridiculous. You fly off the handle and make the people around you feel like shit. Or worse, you lose the ability to communicate all together. You shut down completely. No one can help you when all you’ll say is ‘NO!’, over and over. You dont let us near you. You don’t listen. You don’t even unfold from the fetal position. You scream and pound your fists and crumble into whatever catastrophe is unfolding in your mind.

    Please, just take your pills. You do really well when you’re medicated. You’re doing well in school, you’re lining yourself up to get into a good school and do great things…you just have to accept that if you want to accomplish these great things, these things I know you’re capable of, you have to take your pills.

    I’m sorry, Becky. You were just never cut out to make it on your own.

    Love always….from the only person that understands you,
    Becky, the ugliest girl in the world.

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