what am i supposed to feel without you here? an empty space? happiness? contentment?
since our “break” i’ve been trying relentlessly to put on a happy face, go through my life knowing that i have so much ahead of me to look forward to. instead, i walk through each day carrying the weight of my self pity as if it is a boulder on my back that will never roll away.
the pain of losing you is immense and never eases. i find myself replaying all of our happy memories. the first time i met you, the times we would spend goofing around, and the more intimate times we would spend staring into each others eyes. i miss that. every night i go to bed wanting your arms around me, yearning for your lips to be upon mine. these illusions follow me into my dreams, until i wake up and you’re not there.
i am lost without you–my soul has disappeared. i am struggling to go back to my normal life where i was happy with life…content without you. that was simply because i did not know the happiness and joy another person could bring to my life. you showed me what love is. you proved to me that deep, caring, and soulful people do exist. that i can find a man to love and share my inner emotions with. now why can you not accept your feelings and move forward?
why are you so afraid of being with me? your emotions make no sense, despite how much i try to understand them. i spend my days, minute by minute trying to realize where you’re coming from. attempting to put myself in your shoes and realize the hurt you are feeling. it’s not happening. you are simply too scared of a feeling so strong, and you are letting it get in the way.
although i have never told you, i think you know how much i love you. i love you enough that i have forfeited the past 9 months of my life trying to make you happy. trying to help you work through your emotions and truly live. all that it has left me is pain–my heart broken into one thousand pieces. struggling to find my place or purpose. all that it has left you is a stubborn and steel heart. your heart and soul are plagued. plagued by time and loneliness.
as we go our separate ways, my pain is excruciating as i understand the feelings we both feel. i can only hope that as the days go by i can find comfort and ease my mind. it’s time i put my own soul first, and stop caring about yours. for in 20 years you will wake up and be alone. and i will be somewhere across the world wishing you would have woken up and realized our love 20 years earlier.