I love you so much, you are the one that gave me life and helped me pave my way in life. You are my best friend, and it makes me so sad to see you like this. This stupid illness has taken everything from you, and to be honest, from me too. I feel so guilty about this but sometimes I feel resentment about the fact that everything revolves around your being sick now. No more mother daughter pedicures, no more hikes, no more happiness in our house. Every time I am in the house I feel suffocated, like smiling is against the rules now. You have given up on almost everything, flown the white flag to the enemy, this fucking mystery disease. I cant believe that the Doctors can’t figure out what it is, they are doctors for god’s sake! They get paid bajillions of dollars to treat illnesses, but for you, for your one in a million disease they’ve got nothing. How fucking typical of life.
Now I know that we could have been born into much worse conditions, living in Rawanda being raped and chopped to pieces, but this still sucks all the same. I tell myself that I am so lucky, and that I shouldn’t be complaining about minor problems when there are things like your sickness and poverty and genocide out there…but in my life, in my little universe, these are big problems. They are my problems and all I know of the world is what I have seen through my eyes.
It kills me more that my greedy self is mad because I don’t have a car or a Mac, meanwhile you go to your job day after day, in excruciating pain the whole time, to be able to keep paying my tuition and not lose the house. I feel like such an unworthy person, it makes me think Why the hell did you get strapped with this illness and not me? Why you? You have been through so much shit in your life – putting yourself through law school, starting over after the divorce as a single mother of two – why now when you finally made a comfortable life for yourself does this happen? As long and as hard as you worked for it, that’s just how quickly it was ripped away.
I wish I could do more for you. I wish that you had remarried so that you weren’t alone in the house all the time. I wish so much was different. I wish you had never gotten sick, I miss the old days. The old days when we would smile and just enjoy each other. When there were four of us in the family, now there are only two. I miss the old Mom.