You ask me whats wrong, why I am always upset.
I don’t feel worth anything anymore. For a couple years now I’ve felt like I am just floating through life. It’s a struggle to get out of bed in the morning. I can barely feel anything, and when I do… its always in a huge break down.
I get to the point where I can’t put on my fake smile and tell everyone I’m ok. I can’t pretend I’m happy like the rest of everyone and that I am “fine”. I just reach a point and break down. And that point is coming closer and closer together lately.
I have happy moments… little clips of time where things seem ok, but then I walk out of the room or leave the surroundings and it just hits me that this is all an act. I keep waiting to wake up and feel happy, feel like I am supposed to be here.
But the truth is, each day I wake up, the more I feel like I’m not even worth living. I could never harm myself, that’s not something I could ever do. I’m too much of a coward for that, and I couldn’t stand leaving my family behind in pain. But some days I am driving down the street and I find myself literally praying for someone to hit me, run a red and let me be the one person who dies. I’m tempted to just walk out in front of a car one day.
You know how sometimes I turn the music up when I’m having a shower really loud? That’s because I’m having a breakdown and I don’t want you to hear. I’m scared you’ll think I’m psychotic and you need to alert the authorities. I stay in there for over an hour sometimes, until I can stop crying and get my breath back. I just sit there and let the water run over me. There’s something about that… I feel almost like its washed the sadness away.
Maybe one day I’ll actually tell you all of this. Truth is, I need you so bad. You’re my best friend and I wish I could tell you all of this and you could just hug me while I cry. But I cant. Because you have you’re own problems and so much going on, the last thing you need is for me to add on to that.
I don’t know what to do anymore. I wish you knew. I need you.