• by  • October 3, 2010 • Depression, Friends, Grief, Yearning • 1 Comment

    L

    You ask me whats wrong, why I am always upset.
    I don’t feel worth anything anymore. For a couple years now I’ve felt like I am just floating through life. It’s a struggle to get out of bed in the morning. I can barely feel anything, and when I do… its always in a huge break down.

    I get to the point where I can’t put on my fake smile and tell everyone I’m ok. I can’t pretend I’m happy like the rest of everyone and that I am “fine”. I just reach a point and break down. And that point is coming closer and closer together lately.

    I have happy moments… little clips of time where things seem ok, but then I walk out of the room or leave the surroundings and it just hits me that this is all an act. I keep waiting to wake up and feel happy, feel like I am supposed to be here.

    But the truth is, each day I wake up, the more I feel like I’m not even worth living. I could never harm myself, that’s not something I could ever do. I’m too much of a coward for that, and I couldn’t stand leaving my family behind in pain. But some days I am driving down the street and I find myself literally praying for someone to hit me, run a red and let me be the one person who dies. I’m tempted to just walk out in front of a car one day.

    You know how sometimes I turn the music up when I’m having a shower really loud? That’s because I’m having a breakdown and I don’t want you to hear. I’m scared you’ll think I’m psychotic and you need to alert the authorities. I stay in there for over an hour sometimes, until I can stop crying and get my breath back. I just sit there and let the water run over me. There’s something about that… I feel almost like its washed the sadness away.

    Maybe one day I’ll actually tell you all of this. Truth is, I need you so bad. You’re my best friend and I wish I could tell you all of this and you could just hug me while I cry. But I cant. Because you have you’re own problems and so much going on, the last thing you need is for me to add on to that.

    I don’t know what to do anymore. I wish you knew. I need you.

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    One Response to

    1. M
      October 3, 2010 at 11:16 pm

      You are clinically depressed. I’ve been there and it’s not pretty. You describe exactly how I felt once. Please go to your doctor, and get some medication (even just for a short time) to just get you through this time so you can see clearly. Then get off the medication and you will be able to handle what’s in your life again.




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