I blocked it from my memory, why would I want to look back? Even when I try to, it’s all a blur.
As the years passed, and my parents got divorced, my perception of love and companionship was skewed; I never thought to blame any of my teenage angst on what happened when I was 7. At 13, I fell in love…as real a love as one that young can experience. We shared so many hopes and dreams, but he was taken away from me and it left a wound I never thought would heal. Time passed and you faded away, I found love again. For four years, I spent time with someone that replaced my first – he became my best friend, but that’s all that he was… my friend.
At this point in my life I knew that I needed to be alone, I was starting college and I was scared and excited all at the same time. I focused on myself, trying to figure out what it was that I wanted with my life, where I was going with my future…and then it happened.
I never told anyone, partially because I didn’t know how but mostly because of how I thought people would react. That night, when I ran to two friends, eyes red from crying, shaking in hysterics, I was told that this was all my fault – that being violated me was because of something I did, I deserved it.
Even worse was hearing another person telling me they didn’t believe it happened — because I’d lie about being raped.
And a few months later, when I had a part of you growing inside of me, I couldn’t even bear to tell anyone in fear that I would get the same reaction as before…
When I miscarried, a part of me died forever. With all of my strength, I marched on only showing people the part of me I wanted them to see. After some time passed, I met boyfriend number three and he seemed more perfect then I could have dreamed. There was an immediate comfort I found in his arms and I knew he would change me.
And I was right. After all the time I spent learning about myself, building upon my strengths and taking care of achieving my dreams, he knocked me down. It took three years of being cheated on, lied to, put down and hit for me to grab hold of that strength again and walk away. I knew I had no choice but to push away people that were good for me to work on myself because if I didn’t repair the damage, I would never be happy.
Three years later, on a night when love was the farthest thing from my mind, I found you. I don’t know whether it was the way you made all the effort in the world to come talk to me, or the way you smiled. Maybe it was the way you did your hair…but I knew when I left that night, that my life would never be the same again.
I never told you how I felt because for the first time in my life, even though I know you feel for me a similar way, the possibility of you not loving me back scares me more then anything in the world. I remember everything about you, about us, and have recalled our first kiss so many times because it was the first time in my life that I felt completely safe in someone’s arms. I remember the way you looked at me the last time we saw one another and knew in that instant that you never had to say the words because I knew them – your eyes said what your lips couldn’t and it resonated straight to the right you intended it to be.
Since you’ve been gone, I have woken up so many nights wishing that the circumstances we are both in had been different…that we had been able to flourish together as I know we would. I have tried to move on, tried to care and love others the way that I love you, but I can’t.
I never understood the term “the one that got away,” until you left. I have wished so many times that I would just stop caring, that the things that remind me of you would stop causing me to lose my breath…but the happiest moments I have felt in so long are those when I hear your voice in my ear when you call, or when I close my eyes and you’re with me.
And now we are being given a second chance… because of you, I have learned to love again, I can forget about the past because all that matters is the right now, here, with you. You’ve brought me back to life…