• trying to not give up on everything

    by  • September 30, 2010 • * Safe for Work *, Depression, Grief, Self-Esteem, Yearning • 2 Comments

    I wish I was better.

    A better Christian, a better Mom, a better Wife, Daughter, Sister, Friend, etc…

    I always seem to fuck it all up. I’m a hypocrite and selfish. I want what I can’t have and what I don’t deserve. I want to not feel or think the way I do. I’m tired of fighting anxiety and depression and I’m tired of doubting God. I wish I was better. I’m sorry I keep hurting you and I’m sorry I keep hurting myself too. I have no patience and I’m never beautiful enough. I’m not independent enough. I’m too gullible. I’ve lost faith in love. There is no such thing. At least the kind I think/wish I deserved.

    You would think I would end it all… but funnily enough I would never even come close to entertaining taking my own life. I have yet to decide if I’m too smart for that, too selfish for that, or too scared. I think way too much. I’m tired of feeling sorry for myself and then turning around and feeling so strong. I’m tired of being a yo-yo. I’m tired of dragging the people I love through this. Can’t you just close your eyes and turn away?

    I wish I was better.

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    2 Responses to trying to not give up on everything

    1. RH
      September 30, 2010 at 12:50 pm

      I will pray for you Christian Sister! I was there for too many years and I think I have finally been healed! Keep praying and keep the faith:)




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    2. CH
      September 30, 2010 at 8:00 pm

      you just need to find a passion, a distraction
      i was the same way for over 4 years
      put your put your heart and soul into something you die for, because then you live for it
      And before you know it, it becomes just a hobby, and you realize you don’t feel the way you used to, and that for once in your life, things are starting to go your way




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