• just so you know, i’m in a …

    by  • September 30, 2010 • Anger, Disappointment, Eff Off - You - or Up, Embarrassment, Frustration, Heartbreak, Resentment, Smitten, Yearning for You • 0 Comments

    Dear Stingray,
    You’ve made it pretty clear the way you would like things, platonic and well that’s just fucking leaving me dumbfounded.

    I decided to write because I am just trying to clear things in my head because you left me pretty shocked. I thought my question or more or less proposal was pretty platonic – maybe the smiley put it over the edge – but never the less an innocent lunch date.

    I was left with a confusing response “sure 1215 cafe? just so you know I’m in a relationship” DISCLAIMER just so you know I’m in a relationship. Because I’m really gonna jump your bones midwrap. But nonetheless you left me with a warning, an almost I’m off limits kind of message.

    This is quite contrary to how you had acted towards me for well the majority of the semester. Especially at the party in which you invited me. Nevertheless the shock is settling and I’m very confused as your behavior barely matches that of a taken guy.

    I mean I do still appreciate you and still am attracted to you. We’re into alot of the same things and you’re cute. That doesn’t hurt. We roll in circles that cross. Work. Clearly, I have friends in on your team, hang out with you, and party with you. I mean you definitely entertained the idea of me. I unarmed went to your party arms wide open. Hung out with you didn’t really get to hang out with you but still we did hang out unless you were off in the field doing who knows what or being a social person.

    Oh and let me read into the signs. As you know yourself that you led me on, clearly you had to clarify your status. Maybe I’m a little bit obvious but you still proceeded with reaffirming behavior. On the trek to downtown you held my hand, interlocked throughout the whole walk. You also were quite chivalrous coming to my rescue when I busted my ass. At our bar things changed. Not too much but I continually dropped my phone we each danced with and without each other. I incessantly texted you incoherently. Which I do apologize but understand that my touch screen is a bitch and a drunk girl didn’t realize that she should just use the keyboard. And once one was sent there was a redemption texts which equally failed.

    The next couple of days you seemed fine, laughed off my stupidity and the fact someone tried to take advantage of me. I invited you to hang and you were thankful for the offer? Which I took as if you were able you would have. But in the end you’re just nice to me.

    I think you’re trying to let me down slowly? But how, when you have been not hitting on but clearly when the situation arose you were flirty and fun. I liked that about you. I still like that about you. But the girlfriend. Within a week you were all of a sudden taken. You could have let me know that Idk during summer. I could have saved alot of my time and thought.

    The amount of hours I’ve thought of you or thought this was going somewhere is seriously not right. I am afraid that I’ve been banished to friends zone. As formally  as possible. Was I a back up girl and you were testing the waters? Am I just your tom, as in 500 days of summer, where you realize you feel something with the other your significant other and didn’t feel that with me.

    Well this is the best way I can put it. I’m the best thing you were ever going to have. I’m the best you would have ever had. I would probably be the best girlfriend, friend, you’d have because well I’m awesome.

    Not to toot my own horn, actually to toot it I’m kind of the most amazing girl on this campus and if you can’t see that right now then it’s not meant to be. It’s not meant to be right now and I’m leaving it in your hands if you ever do see the light and realize how good we could be. How real and how pure and passionate we could be. I feel like we’re so on the same page.

    Maybe I’m not seeing your imperfections but so far you’re doing fine. I don’t know what else to say. I hope it’s not awkawrd now that you banished me to friend zone, for the time being. How to get out of that I’m not going to be trying for a while. If you decide to “entertain” the idea of me again and invite me to your parties beware that I’m going to be cautious as well you break and then try to mend. You may not mean to break but don’t try to sweep up the pieces by acting concerned about our pity lunch date. It won’t be awkward, I just don’t want you to be like all girlfriend now.

    I am trying to put the close on how I feel, but to tell you the truth I crush hard and sorry that you could not choose whether or not you were my crush but guess what, TOUGH SHIT. I fell for you maybe in the sorrows of a past debaucher’d boy but I fell. You were artistic, an individual, NICE, charming, cute, attractive, funny, the right amount of awkward, interesting, passionate, a skier, friendly, open, r.a., cityliving, natureboy and I am trying to think but that would just boost your ego. You’re so humble. You seemed down to earth, stylish, all of that. I was really in like with you. Like I don’t know but I was unbelievably attracted to you.

    I can really pick out the wrongs in other guys I like but not you. It’s kind of sad actually. Cuz I’m supposed to be reacting and realizing how wrong you were. But I’m realizing the right thing just slipped away. I gave you mine number, later that week cuz I wanted to hang out with you. You were the one who bought it back up. You never showed deliberate interest in me. But you were always the most polite and welcoming person. I never got a hint of rudeness, saying thank you, hoping I’d invite you, being a little shy.

    You’ve been on my mind for most of this month. I don’t know what to do. I feel like a stranded person. Well guess what you’ve left me but I’m only stronger and take a number cuz right now I’m not interested. Maybe one day I’ll entertain the idea of you but then realize I want someone else.

    FUCK IT. FUCK THIS. FUCKKK. I like you but, FUCK YOU FOR NOW. THAT WASN’T COOL. I am sorry I am just frustrated cuz, well, it was a dick move. And you know that.


    PS. Fuck this all. Why does this even matter, I apparently didn’t mean that much since you took some hoe. I’m just frustrated and pissed off. And I am at your fb page like some loser chick and I checked your status cuz I was in such disbelief. It deliberately says “single”. I just am so ugh. No words I’m trying so hard to put it out there but I can’t. I might cry later. Just so you know I’m tearing now cuz I am just so mad and confused. FUCK IT. I guess I was banking on a myth. Go play your sport, go fuck your girlfriend, go make love to her, and think of me because you will always be wondering how it could have been, if you took me instead, go be your fucking awesome R.A., go on a pity date for fun, go be a pointless but insightful major, with an intriguing minor, go be alternative, go be stylish, go flirt with girls, go be nice to them and tell them you’re taken last minute, go pretend you’re so into a girl and pretend like you’re single and into them and then take her heart and make it feel good, make her think she’s worth something, like you find her cool or you would date her make her feel like she’s hot, make her feel like she’s good enough, that she passes all your tests….

    Oh yeah, and then give her a disclaimer with lunch.

    See you at lunch.

    do you know what’s funny, i’m so used to your nice antics taht i tried to find the gentlemen in your disclaimer bah.
    in the end i’m hurt, you mildly care. i’m alone, you’re happy and with someone. feeling you handled me well. just a bump in your road to ever after. that’s called being a douchebag. have a good evening.

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