• i’ve always loved you

    by  • September 30, 2010 • Addiction, Friends, Frustration, Gratitude, Heartbreak, Lost Love, Love - Pure and Simple, Miss You, Yearning for You • 0 Comments

    You scare me, and I like that feeling. The feeling of not knowing, because usually everything make sense. But you don’t.

    Just having feelings for you scares me, I’m afraid of who I am when I’m around you. No fronts, no pretending. I feel vulnerable and I can’t stand it. I wish it was just easy, that I could tell you and it would make it all go away. But it would only make it worse, and I can’t lose you any more than I already have.

    I denied it at first. I just liked you as a person. But the more I denied it the more I wanted to know everything about you. To be the person you couldn’t stop thinking about, to get inside you and make your skin crawl.

    But I had a boyfriend and you had a girlfriend. So it just seemed right to be your friend. I already cared about you and aren’t friends supposed to care about their friends?

    After a while I stopped thinking about it at all, but it was always there. I just figured you didn’t like me which made it easier to not do anything about how I was feeling. When I got pregnant I forgot about everything and everyone else entirely. And when I lost my son the first person I ran to was you.

    When you started using I stood by you and tried my damnedest to support you, but I couldn’t watch someone I loved kill themselves, unable to do anything, say anything or just even soothe your pain. I cut and run.

    I was good at inflicting pain on myself and others so I cut and run like I always do and watched from the side lines as you swung out over and over again, afraid I would just make it worse. Almost a year went by before I started wondering where you were, what you where doing, hoping you where the same person I knew, praying for it.

    So we talked and I supported you through your recovery, but every time we talked it was as if I was just a burden and you couldn’t be bothered to have anything to do with me or my problems and baggage. So I let go and moved forward with my life.

    And just a week ago I saw you for the first time in 14 months and it felt as if nothing had changed, you were the same guy I’ve always known. So why did you deny ever telling me you loved me when it came up? When your dad even told me you did, and why would you now after three and a half years tell me you liked me and then tell me I’m your past?

    It doesn’t make sense to me, I held it in and got over it so why shove it in my face. That hurt. I love you to death as a person. I am not in love with you but I will always love you. So why am I not good enough to be your friend all of a sudden? You know better than anyone that things happen that are out of our control, and if you just needed to see me to see if there was anything left why not say so. Why just lead me down the garden path emotionally, when you know I believe every word that pours from your lips.

    I hope you get it right one of these days and meet an amazing girl that appreciates your sensitive naïve nature and doesn’t abuse it like I did. I wish you the best in life, because one of these days I know you will realize how awesome you are and whom ever you end up with I’m already jealous of. You’re gunna make some one beyond happy one day and as much as I wish it could’ve been me I think I‘ve finally come to terms with what we had and I‘m thankful I knew you at all, And I love you beyond words for it. For being my confident and friend when I needed you.

    If I could do it over I’d be tempted to but I’m grateful for what we had. And though I may never be able to say it to your face I do love you. We just can’t go back too much has happened….

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