• I’m sorry baby

    by  • September 30, 2010 • Grief, Guilt, Heartbreak, Love - Pure and Simple, Regret, Sorry, Those Gone Before Us • 0 Comments

    Baby boy,

    In 10 days I would have welcomed you into the world. I’m sorry that I never allowed you to have that opportunity. I’m not recovered from losing you, or losing M, but I will never get either of you back. You would have been loved and had a great life, but I’m so young and am simply horrified that I would have screwed it all up for you.

    As it turns out, I would have been raising you as a single mom anyways, and I honestly don’t know if I could have handled that. Nothing will ever justify what I did, and I fully believe I lost both of you the day M and I decided not having you would be our best option.

    I would do anything to turn back time, absolutely anything. Please know I love you more than life itself, even if that is the one thing I couldn’t give you. I dream of you constantly. Everyone thinks that I’m alright and that I can handle it, but I can’t. I miss my little belly pushing out from you growing. I miss my belly button disappearing from you growing. I miss all the weird food cravings you caused me.

    I am heartbroken that I never got to meet you. Your little angel wings lay on my foot. I’m sorry I can’t look at your ultrasound anymore, it’s just too hard to stare at it and imagine what if. I’ll always know you were my number one, Mjr.

    Please know how much I love you, please try and forgive me. The lady told me that your soul will be the baby I eventually have, and you have no idea how hopeful I am of this. I hope we meet someday.

    You are the love of my life, little one.

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