1.20.10 -It’s funny how forgiveness affects somebody…you’ll tell yourself over and over just how mad you are and that things can never be repaired. I would see you and see how you carry on with your life, like nothing had happened while i was stuck with this deep pain inside. And for that I couldn’t fully forgive. And then one day I see your smile and remember the good times we will always share. Nobody can take those away from me. And for that I am happy.
I sometimes miss you. Especially when I’m on a bike ride by myself. But I’m happy to have had you as a friend even if just for a very brief time. I still care. And it still hurts. And I think I have accepted that I will always feel this way. But to see you happy… I know that things are good. I just want to tell you all of this but know I will never have the chance. But maybe one day, you’ll remember me too…and smile. Because that’s all I ever wanted. To make you smile. Like you told me, I’m a fixer…it’s what i do.
I couldn’t fix us, all of us. I tried. Too hard maybe. But it’s ok. I don’t regret our short friendship. I just wished it wasn’t so short. And when we parted ways I was hurt. I felt that you chose to stay away from me solely because of Amanda. That hurt me and I thought I was a friend, not just a third wheel. It turns out that you were probably better off doing that. Amanda and I have had a falling out. She no longer speaks to me. I guess it was a long time coming though, given her history. But c’est la vie. You have a very special place in my life and in my life lessons.
I like to think I’m a good person, but when it came to you I had very ugly person come through, one that held grudges and built a very hard wall to protect herself. That’s not me. And I’m working on it. And you of all people know, that through it all, I’d still be there when you called. Because it’s what I’m known for. And I have hope you would do the same for me, too.
5.10.10 – It’s good to see you smile. It always was your finest feature. I didn’t mean to make this sound like a break up letter. It’s just how I deal I guess. So this my apology. I know you’ll be great in all your endeavors and expect to see your name as head CEO of some huge corporation. You got the drive and the work ethic. I know you’ll succeed in life. Good luck.
9.4.10 – I thought about you today. It was quite random. But it was a good thought though. I caught a glance of someone tall, with blonde hair styled in that faux-hawk sort of euro-ish style you had worn a year ago. It probably wasn’t you, but reminded me all the same. Wow, it’s been almost a year. Time goes by so fast. I wondered what you were doing at that exact moment…I saw you with that house painting job and with your girlfriend in Santa Rosa. I still remember looking at your house on google earth and skyping your nice family. I hoped your family problems have gotten better; or at least easier to deal with. You and I had some issues in the beginning of our college career, problems back at home. That made it difficult for me but you seemed fine.
Anyways, I simply marveled at how a simple pass of a stranger can trigger such emotions and memories. Few but still very dear to me. You’ll never be forgotten Matty. I loved so much about you…this all seems rather confusing I’m sure, so I’ll explain myself. The summer before freshman year a terrible thing happened to me. Something no girl or woman should ever have to endure. It has changed me completely and to this day, I am still dealing with the demons. I was raped. It wasn’t a horrific scene with any death threats or brutal beatings but I had no say in the matter. I didn’t tell anybody about what had happened until i got to college 2 months later. The male race disgusted me and I had given up on them entirely. I wasn’t even friendly towards the innocent gentlemen I met. Given my circumstances you can understand but it was highly unnecessary of me to act in such a way.
But then I met you. You are a gentleman. and the little, harmless flirts and your dashing smile made me feel safe. I was astounded at how much I was willing to tell you; which also scared me as well. No one knew my secret; albeit Amanda, and I could not even begin to think about telling you. But you made me feel like it was alright to tell, like I was safe again. And I hadn’t felt safe in a what seemed like an eternity. I guess in a way I learned to love again, Matty. I have you to thank. I learned to trust. Which is why I believe I was so hurt when you pushed me away. Granted it wasn’t entirely your fault. I am much to blame for those childish and cowardly moments when we stopped speaking to each other. But please understand that I was a very scarred young girl.
I was having to deal with my secret all the while putting on a happy smile to meet new friends and to find my place in the world. 17 is such a tender age, just blossoming into an adult, finding out about the world and others in it, first year of college, freedom, responsibility and etc. Placing my hurt and anger upon you was simply easier. Not right but easy. For that I am truly sorry. But what is done is done and I cannot change anything. Honestly this last school year has made me into a better person I believe. And having being raped I now know I can most definitely take on any challenge placed in my path. Had it not been for you though, I might have still been a terribly angry person.
So again I offer my apologies.
I say sorry so much and you might not have even cared, but I needed to tell you.
Don’t worry…you’ll never read these words. It’s painless for me to simply write what I want to say and keep it hidden. ~Letters I’ll Never Send~