I am floundered by you every day, two thousand miles away and you still affect me as though I were laying in your arms once again.
I’m suffocating out here, never been more lost and alone, and thinking of you, for whatever twisted reason, seems to help. We were toxic, or rather you were toxic for me. I never felt stable, or sane around you, yet I never felt more alive. The second I saw you, I just wanted to touch you, talk to you, stare at you. You could see it, you played into it, and yet you were still so insecure about me, because you thought I despised you in high school. I remember sneaking glances at you, wondering if you even knew I existed. We were both involved, and I didn’t think much of it other than “damn, that boy is beautiful.”
You still are, you know.
You were honest with me from the beginning, I wasn’t honest with either of us. I really didn’t think I wanted or needed any sort of security from you, but the moment I saw you with her, I was forced to the ground, by gravity or hurt or who knows what. I just fell, played it off as tripping as you ran to check me for injuries. You cared about me, maybe you still do, but I will never be enough. I cannot mean to you what you mean to me, and perhaps that’s why I will always feel this way about you, always be drawn to you. So don’t feel ashamed when you can’t reciprocate, I know, I get it, I am finally okay with it.
I love you, Samwise.