I don’t know who I can turn to.
My friends don’t want to hear it because they’re convinced I can do better or that sometimes I ask for it. And maybe I do. I hate the idea of giving up a friendship. My heart hurts.
Even now I’m tearing up because I don’t know who I can turn to or what to do. God knows I just want things to work. I’m tired of things not working. I’m tired of my “friends” not talking to me for one reason or another. I’m even more tired of the friends I actually have hiding stuff from me.
I have my good days and bad days. Where sometimes I’ll think I’m OK and I don’t need him and I’ll be ok. Then there are days…like today…when I can’t imagine being alone. He does something to me that makes me feel like I can do anything. I felt like I had a life with him and I hate the idea of him not being in it anymore. But…now I don’t know if he even wants to be in it anymore. My heart just hurts.
I feel alone and like I don’t think I have anyone to talk to and sometimes I think about how easy it would be to just run away. Just get the hell out and never look back. But then I know that no matter what this will follow me.
We talked about leaving this city. So if I left, I’d think about him. If I stay…I’m still gonna think about him. There will always be little memories haunting me. And goddamnit I hate that he can pick up his pieces so easily and be happy. And I just sit here, bawling my eyes out over a computer in a letter that he’ll never see because I hate feeling alone. I just don’t want to hurt anymore.
I’m so tired of fucking hurting, I’m tired of feeling like I’m losing friends left and right, and I’m tired of feeling like I’m alone. Fuuuuuuuck I hurt. And I want him to miss me a little bit, I want to be able to let go- of him, of what I thought we could have had, of the anger. Maybe that’s part of it, too. I know what we could have had. I know that if we were together we’d be happy. Why is she good enough for him, and not me? FUCK ITS NOT FAIR. I just…damnit all.
I wish I knew how to not be alone anymore.