I’m hiding some feelings from you.
I feel that I shouldn’t tell you because it’ll break your heart. But the truth is I don’t want to say “I love you” back to you sometimes because I feel like it was too soon. I don’t want to sleep with you sometimes because you do things that you think I like..but I really don’t. And you think I want it all the time.
When I’m sitting on the couch holding your hand, that doesn’t mean I’m thinking about taking your pants off. Now, I know you’re gone off to boot camp, and you’re worried about my safety back at home, and I know I can control myself. But the truth is…I’m secretly loving the freedom I have. You can’t blame me. I got with you instantly after I ended my two year relationship.
I know I said I’ll stick by your side. I know I said I’ll be waiting for you. I know I have brought up plans of marriage and children. But that’s my mind speaking out loud, and not my heart. I’m thinking twice about this now. And maybe it’s because you’re not here. But this is the truth.
I saw two of my ex-boyfriends since you’ve been gone. The two that you despise. I didn’t see them to make you mad. I saw them because I wanted to and I know I can. One of them I have completely gotten over, but the other…well…history plays a large role in that category. We sat and talked for more than I thought it would be. We hit every subject and I started to cry.
I like you still. I do. I miss you, you have no idea. But it’s so hard when you’re not around. And I’m starting to not trust myself. I want to tell you the truth. But I can’t. I want to leave. But I can’t.
I’m sorry if this hurts. But this is the truth.