• What is it if it isn’t anger?

    by  • September 26, 2010 • Anger, Friends, Grief, Lost Love, Marriage • 0 Comments

    It’s been over 3 years since we split up; on our 3rd anniversary. I think that’s why I’ve been dwelling on it. That number. 3. It seems poignant to me. It always did, even before you, even before girls.

    I’m in a good place now. A place that, when you threw up your arms and walked away, I never thought I’d be. I really thought that you were the ONE. I had given up my silly defenses, tore down my walls, wrote songs about love and redemption, rather than anger, sadness, desperation, and suicide. All of it for you to just give up like a petulant little girl. and honestly, I’m happy now that you did.

    One of us was going to walk away. It was always the plan. Neither of us ever said it, but we both knew it. Hell, I probably did talk to you about it when I was drunk or loaded. I knew deep down that I could never be with someone that let their family fight over them. Having your father answer to your dead mother’s sister when he felt the need to try and help you? What a fucking joke! And you just let it happen Princess. Why should you have to answer to anyone? Your mother died. That gave you reign to do whatever, and take whatever you wished.

    And you could never be with a drunk, drug-addled mess. And for that, I can’t blame you. Ironic that the first night we slept next to each other, we were tweaked on X. Funny how now when I see you out, I’m sober, and you’re wasted.

    But, let bygones be bygones. I don’t hate you. I’m not angry with you. I guess I’m just a bit disappointed. Through all of it, you had a warrior’s will to persevere. Come Hell or high water, you would be true to yourself. That is your greatest trait. And I know that no one ever tells you that.

    In a month you’ll be married to one of my best friends. A guy that I can no longer speak to, or be around, because of all the horrible things you’ve told him about me. Again, I’m not angry, just disappointed. Friends come and go, fade in and out, but I’ll miss him. And you too. I hope you’ve found what you’ve been looking for your whole life. I know I have. She’s great to me. All the things you weren’t able to be for me, and all the things I couldn’t be for myself. I hope the same goes for you. I just wanted you to know that I’m happy for you. And for me.

    On your wedding day I’ll be watching one of our favorite singers perform, and you’ll be having the happiest day of your life. I know I’ll think of you when he sings “When We Two Parted”. I’m willing to bet you’ll think of me sometime that day. I hope it brings a smile to your face. Congratulations.

    I will however never forgive you for taking my painting off my wall when you came for your things. You don’t give someone a gift out of love then take it back. That’s cruel, and you’re better than that.

    B

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