• Cost-Benefit Analysis on Living

    by  • September 26, 2010 • Abuse, Depression, Family Stuff, Friends, Grief, Parents, Yearning • 6 Comments

    Dear Mom,

    I wonder if you know that you’re the one who pushes me to the point of self harm.

    While the fact that I sat home alone the night of homecoming and that my friends didn’t call me and that I tried hanging out with my dad only to discover that he had gone to Wisconsin without telling me and that I think everyone gets really annoyed by my existence bothers me greatly and makes me feel horrible, the fact that you notice I’m in a bad mood and feel the need to exacerbate it, that you need to comment on how horrible I am, how my friends ditched me, how debate makes me into a bitch, how my friends are only nice to me so that they can use me, and how I should stop fighting with my sister despite her calling me a bitch because I AM being a bitch, and how this morning I’m being so stupid because the sink splashes while I was washing dishes, all of this, pushes me over the edge.

    I just spent half an hour laying in bed doing a cost-benefit analysis on why I shouldn’t take the economy sized bottle of extra strength tylenol and the smaller bottle of extra strength prescription strength tylenol and mix them together and eat them as my last meal. They would go down fast, I only ate an apple and a handful of peanuts yesterday, and some coffee today. I thought of what it would benefit: You wouldn’t be burdened by the reminder of what an older sister is, my sister wouldn’t have to worry about money for college, my friends wouldn’t be annoyed and feel the need to include me, my future of loneliness would end, my future of boring and dull and mundane would end, I wouldn’t feel these feelings anymore.

    I don’t want to die, mom, but I have no one to talk to except the internet about my feelings. I can’t call my dad, he would just tell my mom and would freak out and it would send everything spiralling. I thought of calling Kate, but I can’t tell her half of what is bothering me because it regards her as a friend and I don’t want to burden her and she’s probably working right now and I haven’t helped her at all so it would be a crappy thing to do. I can’t call Kali, because that would be really rude of me, just dumping my problems on her, and although I think she likes me more than my other friends, I don’t think she likes me enough to give a genuine shit. I don’t have Billy’s phone number, and he wouldn’t care much anyway. I thought about calling a hotline, but I’m so chickenshit, I’d just clog up the line for someone who needs them more than a sobbing lesbian teenage girl who got ditched on homecoming and who has nicks on her arms from “cutting” and eats her 500 calorie limit a day in fat and sugar, something with more to lose.

    I thought of talking to you, mom, but you would just yell at me for being selfish, for ruining your life, ask why I’m doing this to you, and I would end up killing myself after all.

    The reason I haven’t done it and I won’t is because of the logistics. I managed to find two people who I couldn’t bear hurting, and who would hurt the most from me doing it. My grandmother is what keeps me alive, because she would be heartbroken. I should go visit her today. The other is my sister, who would be the one to find me passed out and would have to deal with everything afterwards.

    Mom, I want to tell you everything wrong with me and not be judged. I want to tell you that I’ve tried to self harm. I want to tell you that I haven’t eaten more than 1,000 calories a day for a month, and that on most of those days I’ve eaten less than 500 calories. I want to tell you that I’ve been questioning my sexuality for years until I finally realized six months ago that I’m gay.

    But I know all of these things would make you angry, would ruin your perspective of me, and would end up with you blaming me for trying to screw with your life. I’m sorry for being so whiny, I know that a lot of people have worse problems than I do, and I feel selfish for whining this much. I should fix these problems myself, but I don’t know how.

    Love,
    Kirsten

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    6 Responses to Cost-Benefit Analysis on Living

    1. Echos From the Past
      September 26, 2010 at 10:45 am

      I felt an eerie sense of familiarity as I read this letter.

      It wasn’t the exact events, but it was the words. The thoughts. The utter defeat. The belief I didn’t even deserve to be sad, much less complain.

      It was horrible.

      And I was so completely wrong about everything.

      Feel free to ignore my long winded comment below.

      I always thought I never had friends because there was something wrong with me. And there was. I was so determined no one would want to be my friend and that they would stop talking to me if I even remotely burdened them, I never did.

      You know what I really did? I kept everyone at arms length and essentially made it impossible to ever form a close connection.

      The less you talk about yourself, the less they know of you, the less the feel like they connect, less they feel like you can trust and rely on them…

      Seriously, call up any person who says their your friend and talk to them. It’s okay to reveal some of your weakness to someone. If they reject you, then you know they truly didn’t care. Not this whole “They can’t possibly care about me, because no one does”.

      Your biggest enemy isn’t the world, it is yourself. Sometimes life sucks. Sometimes there’s no reason to be happy, but if you don’t look for the reasons to be happy you’ll just wallow in misery.

      It’s a rather miserable downward spiral.

      Work hard to love yourself, because if you don’t like yourself how can you expect anyone else to? You’ll be a lot happier once you’re okay with who you are.

      It so easy for people to misinterpret what we say. It’s not just words, it is also the tone, the body language…

      Don’t let someone misunderstand you. Always try and convey in every way what you truly mean.

      I’m going to assume you’re in high school and that you don’t have much longer till you graduate.

      Hold out for college? It’s not easy starting over, but when you’re down as you are… A new setting, new people, and the chance to be a new you that no one has pre-concepts about?

      It’s a beautiful chance. It takes work, but it is worth it.

      You seem like an intelligent girl, so stop using your brain to convince yourself you aren’t worth anything.

      Once you realize that you are just as good as everyone else. That you have a right to be happy. That you CAN be happy…

      You can start climbing out of that dark hole you’ve fallen into.

      Life can get better, I hope you hang on long enough to see it like I did.




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    2. Jules
      September 26, 2010 at 12:01 pm

      I don’t have these problems. I’m not boasting or trying to make you feel bad, I’m just putting it here so that you don’t assume that what I say will be worth doing because I’ve tried it. I haven’t, so please don’t take it as fact.

      I did use to self-harm. I tried for a few months and neither of my parents, who claim to love me almost everyday, noticed. Neither of my brothers, who are both annoying and loveable, noticed. My friends at school sound like yours. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I love them enormously, but secretly, I don’t think they give the slightest shit about my existence.

      The reason I stopped was a really selfish one. I didn’t want to die and I didn’t want to have so many weird scars that I would have to explain everything, because that would put me in therapy, AGAIN, and THAT only works if you want to get healed; which I don’t.

      Start eating again. Start properly eating. Your body needs at least 1200 calories just to function properly. Without them, your body starts eating your muscles, heart and brain. That won’t help anything, trust me. This I have tried.

      Also, your mom sounds awful. So ignore her. It’s hard, I know, but if you try to ignore what she says, you might find life a bit more bearable.

      And finally (from experience) smile. Try to smile and you will eventually find that it comes naturally.

      Never underestimate a smile 😐 -> 🙂 -> 😀

      You’d be surprised how well this works.

      Love, Jules x




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    3. Sarah
      September 26, 2010 at 1:38 pm

      No. You are not selfish. This is not your fault. You are dealing with your sexuality, while balancing hormones. I’m 16. I know how hard being young is…
      There is nothing wrong with you. You aren’t whining. You need to tell someone. If you could ask your parents to stand each other for one moment and tell them at the same time…just honey, get it out. Get it out. It is not your fault. You will be fine. Trust me, I’ve been through it before.




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    4. x30secondstojuls
      September 26, 2010 at 2:01 pm

      you are a beautiful person. too many times have i heard of people contemplating suicide and it hurts me. i want people to see that they’re gorgeous, inside and out. I’ve helped many people out of hell, and i hope this can help you. i take no pity on you, you don’t need that. what you need is a friend who loves you. although i don’t know you, i think you need to hear someone say it. so, Kirsten, in all of your body and soul, i love you, and it would be a true tragedy to lose you. stay strong.




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    5. meg
      September 26, 2010 at 3:04 pm

      Everybody deserves to feel some kind of love and compassion. I’m terribly sorry your life has lacked in it. But hear me out, you are loved. There are people in this world who care, who care about people they’ve never even met. There are people in this world that care about you, individually, Kirsten.

      I know life can be hard. Reflecting back upon my younger self, your problems seem to mirror my own past problems.

      Believe me when I say it gets better. Depression is a tough thing to fight, and no matter what anyone says, sometimes you just sink too deep to have simple words pull you out of it. But just hang on. I guarantee you something good is going to happen in your life, maybe tomorrow, maybe next week, maybe next year. Just hold on and good things will come to you.

      Just your simple letter to this site has inspired caring people to reply to you. Maybe there are a few who have read your letter, but not replied. Maybe there are a few who read this and are going through the same things. Maybe, just maybe, your letter has given them strength to hang on even just another day, knowing they are not completely alone in this world.

      You are a wonderful person. You have a purpose in this world.
      You are unique and beautiful.

      I hope you will overcome your obstacles.




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    6. Deidra
      September 26, 2010 at 3:38 pm

      Dear Kirsten,

      You, by far, are NOT selfish. All your feelings you are experiencing for a reason. You deserve to be listened to by someone, especially your mom, and not be judged. If you need to call a hotline, do so. You’re needs are just as important as any other person’s needs. You need to see yourself as an important person because you are.

      I respect your decision not to end your life as I was not been strong enough to make that decision at one time in my life, even after I had the most beautiful child in the world! It takes a lot of courage and strength to make that decision. I see you as a HERO!

      Thank you for sharing. I can relate in so many ways and I hope that I am able to help. Keep strong young one because great things will come from you!

      Sincerely,
      Deidra




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