You think you won.
But you didn’t.
You’ve hurt both of us so much. You’ve slept around with every guy on the fucking planet. You don’t even stop to think about how this is going to affect us…then again, you think we don’t know. You cause me hurt. You cause me stress. You cause me distraction.
How could you just leave? How could you just pack up and think that it’s okay to leave me for my senior year in high school for weeks, even months at a time? Sure, you always came back, but it wasn’t worth it.
You lie so much. You think you are so good at it. You think we will never detect. But we do. We know. I can’t wait until the day when I can delete you from my life for good, but you know what that will mean, don’t you? It will mean I will not have a mother.
YOU are my mother. By blood, and by blood only. I don’t know if anyone could possibly understand how I’m feeling unless they have had the same thing happen to them. Although, once all of this is out in the open, the married man you slept with that has a daughter will be able to relate with me. It’s not enough for you to ruin our lives; you have to ruin others’ as well.
How could you do this? How could you possibly think that it’s okay?
You lie through your teeth. You are absolutely insane. You drink now. You want to use guns. You stole money from myself and my father to buy a motorcycle that you wrecked. You joke about my father possibly dying. You laugh so hard. You think it’s so funny. You pretend to love me and still be actively involved in my life. But you abandoned me. You abandoned both of us. I try not to think about it too much because I will probably cry. Crying is something I try really hard not to do over you, but I have done it several times, I am ashamed to say. The first time was when you talked to me, trying to get me on your side, you manipulated me into giving you advice. I succumbed to it and I was on your side. Until I learned the truth.
This is all a game to you. Going around, lying, sleeping with men you dated in high school. You are 50 years old, going on 51. You had a wonderful husband, a wonderful home, a wonderful family…you had me.
But that wasn’t enough. You turned everything into a game. A game that only you can understand. You think it’s so funny. You think you’ve won, but you haven’t. We won. You lose. How does that feel?
At some point, I want to send this to you. At some point, I want to let you know all of this. At some point, you will be permanently erased from my life. It will be one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. You are my mother (by blood) and I will have to say goodbye forever. It will be worth it and it will be what is best for me, but I will constantly be flooded by memories of when you actually cared. When you held me when I fell off my bike. When you cried because I was in pain from my wisdom teeth surgery. All of that is gone now.
I’m 18 years old and I have the power to never have to speak to you again. Once you are officially gone, so am I.
You lost, Mom. You really did.