• I Don’t Understand.

    by  • September 25, 2010 • * Safe for Work *, Gratitude, Grief, Heartbreak, Love - Pure and Simple, Waxing Poetic • 0 Comments

    We met in a crowded room. You, on one end, and I on the other. It was chaotic and loud and filled with jokes and laughter, but you heard only me. As the whole room’s noise drowned out my words, you were the only to respond from so far away.
    THAT is what we were.

    No amount of interference could break our locked eyes. I could be describing my favorite cereal to you, and you would still be looking into my eyes as if you lost something dear to you, and were searching for it within them.

    I could have constructed buildings in your honor, drawn figures of the angels I swore brought us together. I could spend every cent I ever made, if that would ensure we would be the same thing for the rest of forever.

    For 3 years, we were each other. Every letter in the alphabet reminded me of you. Every itch on my body tricked me into thinking you were nearby. Every smile was caused by yours and even the most complicated of emotions was made so simple by knowing at the bottom line, it was just me and you.

    Every song we sang, we sang to each other. Every accomplishment was not our own, but a fruit of OUR labor. My night off of work meant a new adventure for both of us. Whether it was the gym or the beach during the hurricane, we were doing it together.

    When you would hug me from behind and whisper that I was yours, my heart exploded. Finally you took what was yours. When you would hold my hand, when you would kiss my forehead, when you would just stand near me to be near.

    The smallest of comments was somehow a compliment, and each mischievous moment was a cry for attention, for a glance, for a touch.

    At the end of every road we drove, singing at the top of our lungs, on trains and in broken cars, was just us. Just us and our hearts and our honest tongues, and the knowledge that we could be whole for the rest of forever, because we could have each other for eternity.

    …..but you never did take me. Those whispers you left in my ears and stowed away in my heart, they were hollow. My laugh no longer echoes against yours, and my smiles are a product of my own doing. I drive alone and the songs I sing are catchy, no longer meaningful. Those gifts left by my soul mate are now dusty and unused. Those places we went, OUR places, now belong to another pair of mismatched people. The hope that lingered at the end of every sentence we spoke, has now collected in the trunk of my car, the sand in my pockets, and the edge of my smile…no longer seen or felt, but merely existing. It is not mine to use, but a scarlet letter upon my heart, warning others of the pain of this love at the brink. This unrequited, unresolved, unreliable love that we had. The love we shared beneath the sun everyday for our last 3 year.

    Thank you for the love you showed me could exist.
    Thank you for showing me how much pain there is in this world.
    Thank you for helping me still, through this period of resentment, to see how strong I am for it.

    Lastly, thank you for seeing me for who I was, and never wanting or needing me to be more. We really could have had it all, to ourselves, couldn’t we?

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