• to my high school sweetheart.

    by  • September 24, 2010 • Heartbreak, Jealousy, Love - Pure and Simple, Miss You, Yearning for You • 1 Comment

    L,

    First off, I want you to know that it was true when I said I’d always love you, in a way I’d never love anyone else.

    It’s been over five years now and I’ve had other relationships but I always think of you when I lay in bed at night, I see you in my dreams, and I miss you every morning when I wake up.

    I want you to know the real reason I had to end it, but I can’t really tell you that, so I’ll post it here. I wasn’t secure enough in myself to be with a girl as beautiful and amazing as you, and I thought I wasn’t good enough for you. I still think that is true. I was so obsessed with keeping you from discovering that you could do better that I started to become a jealous, controlling person.

    I hated what I was becoming and what I was doing to you, and I decided to set you free. I knew it would most likely mean a lifetime of sadness and being alone for me, but I can be happy knowing that you will live a happier life without me in it.

    I know this sounds like bullshit. It sounds like I broke your heart and realized what I had too late and am now trying to make up for it. That’s not true. I saw that you would never leave me, even as I was turning into a monster because every time you smiled at another guy or chatted innocently with one I thought, “this is it, she’s realized I’m worthless, I need to stop this.” Even at the time I knew it was irrational, but I couldn’t keep it from taking over my head.

    I’m better now – calmer, more self-assured. But I know it’s too late. You’re a totally different person, traveling the world and living this amazing life. I’m a totally different person too, sitting alone in my apartment night after night. I know we can never be together.

    I think the amount of love, passion, feeling, whatever you want to call it, that you caused me to experience was just too much for a seventeen year-old boy. Every day I wish I could go back, do things over, but I can’t. My seventeenth birthday will probably the happiest day of my life, because I spent it in bed, making love with you, the girl of my dreams. Remember when we set up a bed on top of the garage, and I made you come underneath the stars? Or when we collapsed, kissing, into a blanket of snow? I think about those times a lot now.

    You were the one for me, but I wasn’t good enough for you and I knew it. You deserve to be happy, and the last time I saw you you seemed to be happy.

    That’s why I’ll never send this letter.

    -W

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    One Response to to my high school sweetheart.

    1. W
      December 25, 2011 at 8:17 pm

      I posted this in 2010, it’s nearly 2012 now and nothing has changed. I’m still in love with you, and you’re still too good for me. Except it has gotten worse, because now we live in the same town again, and you want to hang out as friends – which I know will be torture for me. All I will want to do is kiss you and tell you how I’m in love with you and always will be. But I can’t. You would never have me after what I put you through. I’m dating somebody else, and she’s nice but she’s not you. You were the one. I miss you so much.




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