• Why aren’t I over you?

    by  • September 23, 2010 • Confusion, Frustration, Love - Pure and Simple, Yearning for You • 0 Comments

    You put me through hell last year.

    That’s putting it lightly. From the moment we met I knew that I wanted to be with you but I was seeing someone and you were seeing someone and it was just awful timing. So we decided it would be better to just be best friends, which worked out really well—for a while.

    But when my relationship fell apart things changed. I still wanted you and that day at the coffee shop when everything poured out of me and you agreed and admitted to sharing my feelings I thought for certain you would leave your girlfriend to be with me because I knew it was what we both wanted. You told me that you had always wanted to be with me too and that you would leave her because I was the only person who you truly loved and wanted to be with. You said you saw us together for the long haul, even though we were only freshman in college.

    And of course, me being in love with you I believed you. I believed everything that came out of your mouth because I wanted to be with you so bad I didn’t even care that you were using me. You promised day after day that you would break up with her for me. But weeks passed, and you were still with her. Months passed and you were still with her. Eventually the physical tension was too much and we both gave in, causing you to cheat and me to keep this huge secret knowing I was “the other woman”.

    It went on like this for months. Us secretly hooking up behind your girl friends back, not even really thinking it was wrong because we were “in love.” But in the back of my mind I couldn’t escape the fact that I knew deep down you still loved her too. Even as things continued to progress between us, you still stayed with her, not even realizing how much it was hurting me.

    Then summer came, and we both left school, deciding in no uncertain terms that we would continue to talk how we always had been and that when you broke up with her we would be together—because you still hadn’t. That’s when it hit me. You never would leave her would you? Not until I stood up for myself and made you see I wouldn’t wait around. So that’s what I did, I up and left you saying that when you would appreciate me I might be around for you.

    But I didn’t wait, I found someone else, and he’s amazing. He’s everything a boyfriend should be—kind, caring, loving, respectful, appreciative of me, and genuinely likes me for who I am.

    Of course this news didn’t settle well with you because by this time you actually had broken up with your girl friend and expected me to be waiting for you. Eventually though we decided to just still try to be friends even after everything we had been through, everything you put me through—making me feel second best all last year, like I wasn’t good enough for you.

    So after all that, after everything that’s happened, after everything you put me through, after finding someone else whom I truly love and care about most deeply WHY do I still feel like I fit into your arms when we hug? And WHY when I was sitting across from you at dinner tonight could I not help but wonder where we could be right now had we only given it a true chance…

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