You’ve changed, and I hate the person you’ve become.
I used to have so much admiration for you – a brave, gorgeous person who wasn’t afraid of the world the way I was, the one who saw stars rather than the shit on the ground, the young woman half the world was in love with. You seemed so vibrant: who could blame me for wanting half – just half! – your confidence?
You were beautiful. I don’t mean physically – though you were and you still are – but in terms of where it matters: you gave and gave and gave, often in ways too subtle to appreciate at the time. My happiest memories are of just spending time with you. You have always been the one of the few consistently good things in my life.
And now you’ve changed, and it is because of him.
I don’t begrudge you happiness. I want you to taste joy so badly it hurts. I want you to fall in love with someone who will love you and give you everything; I want you to have a pretty house in the middle of the street and a reliable car and a job you love. I want you to have beautiful kids who I can spoil, and I want to be the maid of honor at your wedding so I can tear up when I see you and ruin my mascara. I want you to be having fun right now! Not worrying about how you’re going to buy food for two – or more – people on your shoestring salary because he doesn’t have money coming in.
I don’t want to see you shackled to a man who takes from you without giving, a man who offers pipe dreams in response to your fears, a man who everyone believed from the start was bad news. He walks over everyone in your family, and he dominates you. After two years, what has he done for you?
Nothing, except rob you of your happiness and youth. What happened to your sparkle? You used to let your light shine, and now you’re a ghost walking through empty rooms, a shell of the woman you used to be. The only emotions I see from you on a regular basis are misery and frustration, and the idea that that is the foundation you want to build your future on is terrifying.
Oh. Wait. He needs you. You need to be needed. But the thing is: we all need you. For you, not for what you have to offer.
You’re amazing, and I feel like you’ve forgotten that somewhere along the line. Settling for less isn’t in your path.
I’m not a great person. I’m not even a good one, sometimes barely passable, and certainly not the one you deserve. However, I do love you and it is killing me to watch you chase after the wind.