You are not my husband yet, legally, but I know that’s how you feel. It’s how I feel too.
I know you wish you could read my mind, because you just know there is so much more going on in there than I ever tell you. You’re right, there is a lot more going on in my mind than I ever tell you.
But, I promise you, I tell you what I truly believe you need to know. It may not come up immediately, because sometimes I need time to think about how I really feel, or what my true motives are. Sometimes, I refuse to talk about a subject because I know I will get angry, and I do not want to lash out at you. I do not want to hurt you, or cause you to be angry with yourself. But, I tell you what I believe you need to know about me, about yourself, and about our relationship. I will ask you to trust me to do it as often as possible, and to accept my apologies when I fail. Remember, I will fail.
I know I frustrate you with my changeable moods. I have been depressed since childhood, according to my doctor. I do not know another way to be. But, as we discussed, I promise, I will try everything I can try to make it better. I know it’s not just me suffering. I know you suffer with me. I am sorry that you have to, but I could not bear it without you, and I appreciate you more than a hundred letters could express. I have not tried to hide from you. You deserve to know what you’re getting, as I always tell you. But, I know you lose your patience sometimes. I want you to know, you have the right. You are allowed to get angry at me. Remember that.
I know that my family annoys you. One of the best things about your personality is that you are willing to defend anyone, or any cause, if you feel it is treated too lightly, or unjustly. I love that about you. But, you must remember, I would not be who I am—for better or worse—without my family. In their own way, they love me, and I do love them. It is complicated between us all, but in our way, we are a successful family. We can spend holidays together happily; we willingly support each other during a crisis. And, now that my misguided soon-to-be-former brother-in-law is on his way out of our lives, it will be just a bit easier.
We will write our own vows, and Dustin will perform our ceremony, and it will be ours—start to finish. I am looking forward to it…because we love each other, we need each other, and we are friends.
But, I will confess that I worry, often, about married life. It is well and truly different than what we have now. Better in many ways, but worse in some important others. That is why I am insisting on the two-bedroom arrangement. Space cannot be discounted, my love, even between us. Remember that.
Remember, always, that I do love you. Remember that I choose, every day, to be with you. As much as I regret many things in my life, I do not, and I will not, regret my relationship with you.