• I’m sick of this

    by  • September 22, 2010 • Depression, Divorce, Family Stuff, Frustration, Grief, Loneliness, Parents, Resentment, School • 4 Comments

    Dear Mom:

    I’m sick of this. I’m sick of hearing that you and Dad are getting a divorce because dad smokes weed and is an alcoholic, and I’m sick of school. I’m sick of liking someone that knows I like them, yet I’m watching them fall for someone else. I’m sick of feeling helpless, weak, angry, sad, everything. I’m sick of thinking that I can actually draw but crumble when someone else does better than me. I’m fucking tired of stressing over homework and trying to get a good grade. I want to actually be able to stay up until 2 am and wake up at 3 pm and not worry about school. I want to be fucking happy!

    This shitty life I got stuck with (because you’re the one that chose all this for me) is annoying me. You think I’m a perfect little daughter, but when I mess up in the slightest you shoot daggers at me. I’m only human. I’m sick and tired of trying to live up to your expectations. I want to be a human, for God’s sake! This goddamn routine I’m stuck in is terrible. Why can’t I lock myself in my room on a rainy day, snuggle up in my bed with some hot cocoa and read all day?! Because of school, I don’t have any goddamn time to read anymore. At all! I love reading! I’m sick of going to school and having no friends. I’m sick of playing basketball and no one passing the ball to me. Not even my best friend. I’m sick of being 5’8″ and I’m sick of people thinking so highly of me. I’m fucking sick of people, AKA your friends, telling me that I can talk to them any time about your guys’s divorce and that they’re there if I need them. Get this, you idiots. I don’t want to tell you. I don’t even fucking know you! Let me be able to distract myself if I want to instead of people asking me if I’m okay left and right. Just fuck off.

    I want to stick to my music and I don’t want you to get mad at me when I’m in a bad mood.
    I want a BOYFRIEND FOR GOD’s SAKE! I’m so lonely!

    …I want my life back. I want it to be the time when I only had 4 days of school, no homework, you and dad were together, I had a boyfriend, no issues. I can’t believe all this shit has happened to me in only a month. A FREAKING MONTH, MOM.

    You’re the one that’s making me so depressed. Despite Dad’s flaws, at least he spends quality time with me and doesn’t stay on the computer and work all day like you do.

    I’m just so miserable, Mom. I feel so disliked at school. I’m only 13. Why did you put this huge ton on my back? I want to still enjoy being a kid.

    I have a system. If something disconcerting, annoying, sad, whatever happens to me, I immediately try to put up a shield so it doesn’t attack my emotions. But it seems like I’ve been using this shield so much, it’s scraping my defenses off little by little. And I become more and more annoyed and worn. I’ve tried to be strong. But it’s all scraping down to my bones. And I don’t know what I’m going to do when that happens. It almost did today. I was so close to breaking down, mom.

    so from now on, at least once a week, I’m being who I want to be.

    sincerely, your daughter.

    4 Responses to I’m sick of this

    1. S
      September 22, 2010 at 5:34 pm

      I promise with all my heart that it will get better. You can get through this. Every great person has gone through suffering. As lonely as you may feel, there are so many people out there going through the exact same thing. Hang in there.

    2. AB
      September 22, 2010 at 6:10 pm

      Jus want 2 agree wit d last comment.if it seems like it cant get worst it definitely means it can only get better.and it will in time.It always does

    3. Jessie
      September 22, 2010 at 7:03 pm

      Hey, im a year older but it sounds like the story of my life. And my advice to you would be send the letter. Then fuck the world.

    4. Amber
      October 10, 2010 at 7:29 pm

      Thanks for writing this. I feel the exact same way about my life. It really helps to know that someone else out there is going through it. I dont know you, but i love you to death for this, thanks <33

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