• I built this up.

    by  • September 22, 2010 • * Safe for Work *, Friends, Frustration, Guilt, Knock it Off, Love - Pure and Simple • 0 Comments

    It’s hard for me to talk to you anymore.

    Honestly, I don’t know if I have ever actually been able to talk to you. Since the beginning of our friendship it has mostly been about you. I was there for you when you were cutting, when you came out, and have continued to be there for you. But now, that’s all I hear about.

    You diagnose yourself with mental issues based on Wikipedia. You don’t go to the doctors but have diseases based on “symptoms” you have. I think most of it is in your head. Of course once you start reading some symptoms you can come up with the rest. I want to believe you, but I can’t, I think you are just blowing it out of proportion and looking for attention. I’m tired of having to feel sorry for you. If you do have these diseases, go have the doctor confirm it, then I’ll believe it. Maybe something is wrong, but you tend to blow everything out of proportion, so it’s hard for me to know, and I’m tired of hearing about what’s wrong with you. I have my own problems that you never ask about, I possibly have an eating disorder, I have a ton of problems at home, I go through phases of depression, but you don’t listen… even if I hint something is wrong. It’s hard for me to be there every time something else is wrong, when you aren’t there for me or willing to listen enough to see something is wrong with me.

    On top of this, it has always been about your sexual preference. A club I can never be part of. You ask for acceptance and equality, but you isolate yourself saying “You aren’t gay, you don’t understand.” I have never once said “You aren’t straight, you don’t understand.” If you expect people to see you as the same, and see you as you, no matter what sexual preference, don’t isolate yourself. Sexual preference shouldn’t be it, that shouldn’t be what makes you who you are… that can’t be the only defining thing about you. I’m tired of hearing about how hard you have it because you are gay. Maybe I’m straight and don’t understand, but cool, you’re gay, just let’s talk about something else.

    Finally, I’m sick of this whole religion thing. I am a Christian, and I am open-minded. But I believe in God, and I believe in prayer, and going to church. It’s a major part of my life. Church is truly the best part of my week, and sometimes the only thing that keeps me going when I fall apart. The people at church are my support system, and the bond we share through our faith is important. I know you don’t believe in God, but every time you make fun of someone for being religious and believing in prayers, it hurts my feelings, because that is my faith. And when I tell you about the people at my church, I don’t want you laughing at them either, they are some of my closest friends, and that also hurts.

    I just don’t know how long I can stay friends with you. I was hoping we would be separated in college and we could grow apart, and no one will get hurt. But sadly, you and I are going to the same college now, and I worry that I am going to crack, and yell at you about all of these things. I can only deal with this stuff for so long… I’m sorry… but all of it…

    Is completely true.

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