• distance

    by  • September 22, 2010 • Friends, Grief, Heartbreak, Lost Love, Love - Pure and Simple, Regret • 0 Comments

    Only 30 minutes after getting to “talk” to you and here I am, crying and upset.

    I wish I could be as strong as I should be. I realized on the drive home that I know me well enough and I know you well enough to know this isn’t going to work out between us for many reasons: my poor heath, lack of education, I’m crazy, my family is crazy, poor genetics, distance, emotional availability, low intelligence, social status, lack of self esteem, the list could go on and on…but the deciding factor is all of that except me….

    You have to have consult from the people in your life that matter the most, but I know for me that outcome does not bode well.

    Your best friend does not think well of me, nor does he approve. I understand, it was my fault for the way I behaved. I feel that your sister is leery of me and I don’t meet her standards. I don’t even want to begin to think about what the other people in your life think at this moment. But I don’t have that going for me. And thusly makes me even more insecure. There are a number of reasons that you shouldn’t be with me already, to have them pointed out by others is humiliating. I just wish I had someone in my life, besides you, to consult on such matters.

    I don’t want you to wake up one day and regret that we ever tried to be more than friends. I don’t want to lose the one friend that’s been a constant in my life. That’s helped me grow, challenged me and dealt with more crap then he ever should have dealt with. Even if we’re not emotionally distant, we’re still always going to be physically distant; you always somewhere and me always somewhere else.

    But I don’t want to hurt. I don’t want to cry and constantly wonder what I did wrong and why I wasn’t good enough.

    I know you want to talk about these things in person, but I don’t know that much would be solved even then. You still wouldn’t know how you really feel or would be unable to express it…and I would still be wondering, hurting. I don’t want you to feel obligated to protect me, tell me words you don’t mean, and/or stay with me because you think it’s the only way to save me. If we’re adults about this, we can still maintain a lasting friendship.

    But know that regardless of our relationship status I love you. That’s a constant that we’ve both known over the last 5 years.

    Like I said, I’m not looking to get married, have kids or even move to the same state in the very near future. Don’t get me wrong – a family in my future would be fantastic and I pray that I get that opportunity someday…even though my heart tells me I won’t.

    But I already feel you pulling away. I know that feeling well. So lets just save ourselves the trouble and just end this now…I don’t know what more to do. I don’t know how to fight for something or someone. And if you don’t want me then there’s nothing I can do to change that. I can’t make you love me or care about me more. I can’t make you change the way you feel about me. I can’t change the way the important people in your life feel about me. Hell, I can’t even change the way I feel about me. You deserve better. Much, much better.

    You say you miss me. But do you miss me because you genuinely miss me or do you miss me because you’re lonely? There’s another question for your counsel. I was fine in my bubble of insecurity, believing that you’d never change your mind and want to be with me. And you did change your mind. I was ecstatic…. but to know you now question it is most painful. I want to go back and pretend that everything is going to be okay and that I had hope for a future. Instead of a future without my best friend.

    I miss you so much and I’m sorry…

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