• Stun Gun

    by  • September 21, 2010 • Depression, Frustration, Grief, Knock it Off, Love - Pure and Simple • 1 Comment

    What do I mean to you?

    Honestly?

    I mean, I know I am the mother of your child, I know that we have known each other for years, and I know that your comfortable with me because we have known each other for so long. But the rest…What am I?

    I kid you not, and it is your own fault for dismissing and denying that I tell you so, but you always have to start this negativity between us everyday…!

    I could wake up in a delightful mood and you have to kill it with your jerk-ness!

    I hate the way you talk to me now…and I have told you this many times, and I always get the same response, “I will work harder.” FUCK-RIIIIGGHT!!

    Today you had me in tears, you have no sympathy, no apathy, no heart it seems sometimes. I lost my job, lost my puppy, had my car wrecked into by a mindless teenager, and have no money, and today had to be told that my stupid old car is totaled and worth very little, so little, in fact, that I will get nowhere near enough money to replace it with a dependable car. Which my old car was!

    And you have provided no comfort.

    I have a right to be upset, scared, overwhelmed, and irritated, and for you to throw it in my face like I am going through this like I WANT to, or something, makes me so angry. THAT, is why I cried. If your roommates weren’t there, I would have just locked the bathroom door so you couldn’t come in, and BAWLED. I thought about taking your gun, the one propped up by the dresser, and just getting it over with. That mean, disprespectful, heartless attitude you spit at me, on top of my bad luck lately, has made me pretty much depressed.

    If it weren’t for that beautiful baby girl sleeping in my bedroom right now, I would be gone. Either dead, or pretty much dead. I could see myself hitchhiking to mexico and doing WHATEVER needed to be done to get there, and then probably still doing WHATEVER needed to be done to survive. I dont want to do that though, so I would rather die, plainly put.

    But I am not going to. I cannot fathom leaving that little angel behind, never seeing her grow, become a woman, a wife, and a mother. She means everything to me, and she gives me that strength that I need in order to make it right now. But dear god, do you make me seethe at the moment. Where in the hell did you come from? You never used to be such a jerk!?

    I want the old one back, the better one, the sweeter one, the one that made me feel like a worthwhile person. And I HATE that it takes someone to make someone feel worthless, or worthwhile. I wish it could be as easy as to say that nothing will matter to make you feel that way but yourself. But honestly, who can say that and mean it?

    I flipped you off while I was leaving your house to go to mine, but you didn’t see and at first I was thankful, but at this moment, right now, I wish you would have.

    I want to be able to stun you into hurt, just like you do to me.

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    One Response to Stun Gun

    1. meara77
      December 23, 2010 at 2:18 pm

      Awww hun, Dont give up hope. That beautiful baby girl, that angel… Love for her will carry you through so much. Trust me… I have been there. Have faith in the future of your little angel, and in yourself. Please do not forget that she will see how you treat yourself. I hope you are able to work this out. We at LINS, will be here for you to vent to. With love, another lost soul




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