I remembered last night the day before you moved so many years ago, that I hugged you.
It’s been years, and it was just a middle school crush, reciprocated even though we never really acted on it. But that year was horrible for me. My depression was worsening, and the idea that my crush, who probably liked me back, was now moving hurt like you wouldn’t believe.
I’m not one who needs to constantly be around people to care about them. I can care enough from afar, and it had less chance of me getting hurt. At that time, the last thing I needed was to get hurt.
We had been in the same classes for 3 years. We sat near each other most of the time. You kind of had to give out hugs, since everyone knew each other fairly well. It was a small class, and any person leaving was going to change things at a time when a lot was changing.
You sighed in exasperation when I asked for a hug. I always chose to think that you did it because you didn’t want me to know that you liked it, because you hugged me anyway. I also remember you hugging me tighter than anyone else, even if that’s not true either. Even if I am imagining these things, I really don’t care, as it’s one of the few good things I remember about that year, and if I have to delude myself into thinking that you enjoyed it, I will.
I got a boyfriend the year after you left. Me and him have been together ever since. When we found each other again on Facebook, I looked at pictures that you had. It made me smile when I realized that I tend to go for the same kind of guys. Tall, blond and odd.
I just wanted to let you know that I still kind of have a crush on you. You were the first decent boy who liked me, and was kind of like the schoolyard crushes girls all say they had in elementary school or before, which I never had because of reasons I will never tell you.
So thank you for, in a way, being my first schoolgirl crush. I hope you find happiness, and I hope you have fun. But I know I don’t have to wish that for you; you will find it. That’s what I’ve always liked about you.
A shy, cynical but secretly sentimental, girl