• just wanted to say

    by  • September 20, 2010 • Friends, Grief, Heartbreak, Love - Pure and Simple, Yearning for You • 0 Comments

    Dear ____,

    I remember the first time we really opened up to each other, we were in the car on our way to lunch, and you told me things about you and about your life that i had no idea about even though we had been friends for almost a year. I told you things about me then too, it was hard, but somehow I knew I could trust you. I started to fall for you.

    I couldn’t tell you, I couldn’t tell anyone because my very best friend had liked you pretty much since she met you. So I said nothing. But we talked all the time and we became so close. Then I found out the first boy i had ever loved wanted to get back together with me, again, and even though I was head over heels for you I tried to be with him again. I told you and I saw the disappointment in your eyes, I hoped it was because maybe you liked me too, but I told myself it was just because you had hoped I knew better then to be with him again after he had hurt me.

    Then, you did the nicest thing anyone has ever done for me, you gave me something I had really wished for. It could have been the best night of my life. I wish we had known how we both felt about each other then.

    Then that boy broke my heart, again. You could tell I was upset and you checked on me, I was embarrassed that you saw my crying. Then things changed, school ended and you went home and I was home. My best friend was on her way to my house and you and I were texting, we made a pact that night to be married at 27 if we weren’t already. Then, you confessed that you had liked me and I told you I had liked you too. But we were far away from each other and my best friend, I was afraid she would never understand.

    What could we do? We talked and we flirted and it only made me like you more and more, all I could see were the reasons we should be together. But I couldn’t tell anyone, it was just you and me no one else knew. You came to visit me for a weekend, and I promise you that weekend was the best weekend of my life, and we kissed. We kissed! It was like heaven. I forgot all about that boy who broke my heart, you fixed my heart and I can never thank you enough for that. The next week I saw you everyday but we could barely talk, we made excuses to look at each other, to touch hands or hug and make it as innocent as possible. It was so hard because I just want to be close to you, to feel you next to me and to kiss you. Then I hugged you and I went home, you stayed. It was a long car ride home. We still texted when you could for the next week, but then things changed again. I would text you as usual, but you wouldn’t respond the same as you used to, we barely talked and I started feeling pathetic for trying. I had no idea what had changed, you never told me. Then we just didn’t talk at all. Ever. I was crushed. A week or so later I found out that you had a girlfriend. I was broken hearted. I never thought you could hurt me so much. But know one knew and no one could know, so who could I talk to? I spent the day alone and crying and not letting anyone see. So I turned to the one person I always had turned to, the boy who broke my heart. I told him because I needed to tell someone. He asked me to be with him again, I said no at first but then I said yes. I know I shouldn’t have.

    Then finally after a few weeks you and I talked again. But it hurt. I told you how I felt and you told me what happened because thats how we are, always honest with each other. At least we were friends again, I told myself that was enough, at least I had that.

    Then he broke my heart again. Then she broke yours. We are still friends and we talk about how we like each other and how we are gonna get married when we are 27. But are we really? Are we going to ever be together? I love to talk to you and know that you like me, but it hurts me so much to know it might never happen and you may never even ask me out. But at least we are best friends, we still have that. I will keep telling myself that that is enough. but it’s a lie. Because I can’t stop thinking about you, and when we aren’t talking I want to be talking to you, and I stay up late thinking about you and dreaming about us together. I would tell her, my best friend, if you asked me to so that you and I could be together. I wish you would ask me to. Maybe she would understand.

    Because I love you. I miss you.


    Leave a Reply