You’re playing with me and I don’t like being played with.
I don’t understand why you try to hurt me. You know exactly what you can say to hurt me and you say it. I thought that we were past that. I thought we were more mature than that.
I want so badly to have a mature relationship with you but I don’t know if that’s ever going to be possible. You feel that I neglected you, I feel that you emotionally abused me, and I don’t know if we’ll ever be able to get over that. I can drop it and completely forgive and forget, but only if you can accept that you did that to me and can at least forgive me for ignoring you. You hurt me so bad that I had to neglect you. No, I didn’t have to. I just did as protection for myself so I wouldn’t get abused any more. You legitimately stomped on my heart because I had to go to college. I poured my heart and soul into you and into trying to keep you happy and you told me I was a piece of shit and that you hated me and were wasting time with me.
You brought me to the brink of suicide more times than I’m willing to admit. So in my mind, the only way to protect myself was to ignore you and treat you like shit. I’m not trying to make excuses, I know I hurt you and there’s nothing that could legitimize what I did. I’m just trying to explain why I was doing that and what was going on in my mind.
But none of that means anything to me because I can forget it all in a moment, but I can’t forget about the good times even if I tried. I can’t forget that look you have in your eyes when you see me for the first time in a while, or the butterflies in my stomach every time we kissed, or even just sitting around doing puzzles. I want you back. But not until we can have a relationship where neither of us talks down to the other or says something that is only intended to hurt the other.
I know we can do that. I can make you so happy. But I want to live with you. I want to be able to actually have a relationship with you and come over to your house when you are pissed at me and bring you soup when you are sick. And I know you want me too. I know you don’t love her the way you love me. You need someone to hold you and love you and she’s doing a great job holding my place while I’m gone, but we both know I belong there, not her.