I’ve wanted to say these things to you. I’ve tried. I’ve told you pieces, how much I like you, how scared I am of trusting you, how afraid I am of letting you closer. You’ve told me pieces too, that you could be stable with me, that you hadn’t felt this way in a while. I couldn’t get the words out, its still hard now, now when your not going to see this.
I haven’t felt this way for a while now. Since he died, I never thought it’d happen like this from someone I thought would just be a night of comfort. You held me and as you said I fit perfectly in your arms, I thought the same, and when you said no one had ever fit so perfectly my heart jumped. I wanted to say it then, to tell you that, to tell you everything I was feeling. The lightness in my being as you brushed my hair aside, as I looked into your eyes I wanted to try and find the words to convey that safety. But all I could do was smile softly and snuggle closer.
I mentioned him to you before, my first love, I don’t think I labeled him thus. I think I mentioned his death and how devastating it was for me, I’m not certain, but I think I mentioned it. Its been almost two years since his death, about four since we were together, but I always thought he was the one. When we parted ways so that I could move to college, I never once doubted we would find each other again, I never once thought our story could end this way. But it did, and my heart is still sometimes drips with the blood of his loss, I am healing, and moving forward. I had one boyfriend for a while and he did nothing but fuck me over. Then I met you, and now it all seems possible, everyone told me I’d feel this way again, but I never really believed it.
I’m gone now, but I’ll be home soon, and I hope when I return you’ll be there. I want to feel your arms around me, to feel your lips upon my, just to feel you near again. And if not, I am thankful to have known this feeling again.
I want you to be my knight.