Remember all those hours we spent talking to one another? Or just sitting in silence, we were good at that too.. You’d listen to me absentmindedly hum whatever I was listening to.. “I had a match, but she had a lighter. I had a flame, but she had a fire. I was bright, but she was much brighter. I was high, but she was the sky.. Ohhh baby, I was bound for Mexico. I was bound to let you go..”
I trusted you so much, right off the bat. I knew I shouldn’t have, deep down I knew that, but I did and it was the best feeling I’d ever felt. You made me happy.
I often find myself wishing for those days again, the days before I woke up in the morning and found out all those things about you.. “Let me get behind that sometime.” The days of naive trust and love. I got over that. I forgave, it was water under the bridge. But I never really regained my trust. Your pedestal had crumbled.
Years passed and I left home to be with you. I traveled for 26 hours with all my bags, all my belongings, and my fish to be with you. Oh, I remember like it was yesterday.. It turns out that living with someone is a difficult task. Boundaries and limits aren’t really there at first, but people that live without those tend to have dirty thoughts and secrets dredged up faster than you can say, “cake.”
I found your lack of security unnerving. Remember me. Remember my password. Automatically sign me in. You forgot yourself, Fraggle, and you forgot me. Surely, you had nothing to hide. You didn’t..or did you? I found myself looking, I didn’t find much. Nothing to freak out about. I was safe. I was content, I started settling in. I believed the worst was over, that I could begin finally to trust.
But then I tried to upload a picture to Facebook, and lost it in the giant external hard drive that is PRON (G:). A simple file, labeled 09162009, was mistakenly selected. A 24 second cell phone video of you..and another girl. I was so angry with you! I could not believe you would do that to me.. I didn’t want to believe you would do that to me. You came home from work, I sat you down and made you watch. You admitted it, you said it was a mistake, that you were drunk and you never saw her again. I slapped you. You deserved it.
The feelings that stem from this, are so extensive, and so complicated and twisted, that I don’t even know what to think anymore. Its been several months since I found out, things are better now, but the last few days have been rough. I’ve never really experienced a flashback that threw me so hard into the moment that I forgot what I was saying. But it happened to me the other day, all I said was “20 second video”. A cloud must have come over my face, and I must have paused because the person I was talking to asked me if I was alright.
AND YOU KNOW WHAT? I’M NOT ALRIGHT! I’m hurt, it hurts more than anything. I’ve never loved anyone so much, and I’ve never been so angry about having trust ripped out of my heart.
Sometimes, it comes to me when we’re having sex. You’ll touch my breast, play with my nipple, the way you played with hers. And I’ll go back. I’ll go back to that 24 seconds. The first 24 being witnessed in a state of disbelief, the second 24 in a state of anger, the third 24 in a state of sadness, the fourth 24 in a state of denial that it was you, and the fifth 24 in a state of searching frantically for evidence that it was you.
And you’ll ask me if I’m okay. And I’ll say yes. Because I am. I’m not dead, I’m not homeless. I am okay.
I’m deciding to forgive you. But I will never forget. I can never forget Fraggle, and neither can you. Please don’t forget that I Love You.