I’M DONE TALKING.
I don’t want to be the only one talking. I don’t like the sound of my voice. I don’t like not knowing anything about you and I’ve known you for 5 years and we’ve been “dating” for 9 months. I’m the only one that says anything. You can’t talk about work. GOOD! I can’t talk about work! GREAT! Work isn’t a constant blah blah blah issue. Fucking say something! Anything!
You say you’re not a writer so you should write something even if it’s the ingredients on a soda or box of gold fish (know you have those because I sent them to you). I’ve sent you countless letters, care packages and emails You said the buttons I send you so that you know that I’m thinking about you. DUH I’m thinking about you! But are you thinking about me? How do I know unless you say something of which you rarely do… and when you do it’s in a chat that gets erased when “that time again” comes around…, write something.?!
I’m done being the only one that shows any emotion. The only time you tell me that you miss me is when you know I’m upset. I get it, you’re just like your dad! Don’t get me wrong, I really like your dad, but you have the ability to change. You have the choice to allow yourself to be vulnerable, but you won’t allow me in. You know the worst things about me. Yet the worst thing I know about you is how you make me feel.
Relationships require trust, openness and communication. All of which are a two way street. I’m tired of traveling in one direction. I’m done trying as hard as I’ve been. It’s exhausting, mentally and emotionally.
So you say you’re on the fence about how you really feel about me and that sucks! But you’d think that after 5 years of friendship and 9 months of “dating” that you would have a better idea. Quit dragging me along, deeper and deeper because the longer this goes on the more I’m going to break if/when this ends. And you know that because you’re my listener that it’s going to break me harder than ever. Don’t mess with my emotions because you think you’re saving me when in reality you’re only settling and hurting me, us, more.
I love you and you’ve known that for some time now. You’ve never said the words and I’ve never asked you to, but there were times when I could feel it in your touch, hear it in your voice and see it in your eyes. Was I wrong? You tell me I’m wrong enough, it won’t hurt to hear it again. I’ve grown accustomed to failure; it’s sting doesn’t hurt so much anymore.
What I’m saying that I’m no longer going to talk. What I’m saying is that I’m putting as much into this relationship as you. Prepare for me to be emotionally unavailable and the letters to stop.
`the talker (now silenced)
P.S. I’ll probably start pushing you away. There’s no reason for me to set myself up for failure, especially when I know it’s going to hurt so much.