• If only who we like was a choice

    by  • September 20, 2010 • Confusion, Dating, Friends, Love - Pure and Simple, Yearning for You • 0 Comments

    I don’t remember our first meeting very well, to be honest…

    But I remember the first time I saw you. You stood out in a crowd of people. You were vibrant and my first thought was “I want to talk to you.”

    While I don’t remember our first meeting very well, I do remember how excited I was when I came to the study session and you were there.

    Everything was a blur after that for awhile. We talked, we hung out, you were always bragging to everyone how smart I was…

    The clearest memory I have of you was the week I confessed I stood a chance of getting an internship with NASA that would have me in Houston for a spring semester.

    You stared at me for a long moment before you joked that I should screw up the phone interview.

    On some level, I should have been offended… but I didn’t really felt like you meant that you didn’t want me to succeed or to do something that cool. After all, you were the one who always bragged about how smart I was and you often told me it. You never seem intimidated by that fact.

    No, you saying that made me think you didn’t want me to go.

    I remember the phone call saying I got it. I remember going to another study session with you, and not being able to talk to you until afterward. But you took off too fast.

    I’m not sure why, but I followed after you. The words where caught in my throat as I watched your retreating back.

    I forced myself to call out your name. When you turned around and looked at me, I stopped and stared.

    Then I told you I got the internship.

    I don’t know what went through your head. I don’t know even what I was feeling. But you’re congratulations was weak. It was “I knew you would…”

    The next day you barely talked to me. You didn’t bother coming to study sessions hardly at all. You probably wouldn’t have if it wasn’t for the group projects.

    You were too busy chasing after someone else.

    It hurt. It hurt when we’d have a big get together as friends you wouldn’t come. It hurt when we had a going away party for me, you should up the last 30 minutes, with her by your side.

    You didn’t bother talking to me at all after I was gone. Once or twice, when I would bother you on facebook you’d talk to me. It was always about her though. Not that I blame you… not only was she beautiful, but she was funny. A real character.

    The only time you initiated conversation was after I had been back for a month and you asked me to a do a project for you. Because you were too busy. Because you had plans with her that were more important then doing your homework.

    I hated you so much. How could you so blatantly try to use me like that? I lashed out you. Even now, I do not feel guilty for it.

    That destroyed any feelings I had for you I thought. I had no intention of talking to you. I didn’t think you would talk to me after I tore you apart.

    You did though. It was timid and awkward. You cleaned up your act and behaved.

    No one has ever cared that they hurt me that much to actually do that. And at this point, because one of our other friends had asked me out and I had turned him down (he wasn’t a good person, something now all of you acknowledge). But everyone had sided with him as a result, and none of them were talking to either of us.

    It was an awkward time. Then Matt started flirting with me. I’ll never know why you did it, because you had your girlfriend, but you would always force him to move seats so you could sit next to me. You always forced him to stay away from me. I was thankful because I didn’t like him either, since he seemed to think he was just awesome and I was not nearly as smart as him.

    But I never told you that. You kept him away from me on your own accord. Even when I was still trying to decide if I liked him you did it.


    The next semester you would always talk about how hot your girlfriend was. And on and on about her you would go.

    I didn’t want to like you. Even though I could tell I was starting to fall back into our original pattern, I didn’t want to.

    I started to focus my attention on one of our male friends. He had a girlfriend, I knew. But it was the lesser of the two evils. I wasn’t trying to steal him away, but if I liked him then I wouldn’t like you.

    Then you were an ass and ran your mouth. I blew up at you again. It was probably a month after that before we finally managed to talk things out.

    I think you mistook a lot things from that conversation. You think that I’m a snob and an elitist. That I expect everyone to conform to a high standard of behavior…

    I expect you to keep your word and to try and treat others with the proper amount of respect and consideration. So yes, when you are always late, I lose respect for you. You are unreliable. And yes, when you ask us to bother you to make sure you come to class and then get mad at us, I think you’re wishy washy and lose respect for you.

    But in the conversation, I never managed to say all the things you do that gain respect.

    I respect you when you’re being yourself. I respect you even when you’re being goofy. I respect you when you clearly are giving your all on a project. You gain my respect every time you look at me and ask “What’s wrong?”, even when I’m trying so hard to hide it.

    I get so mad at you because you’re fully capable of being a responsible person. Of keeping your words. I’ve heard how others talk about you, they don’t expect anything out of you. They view you as a no good who will always be late. Who will never keep his word…

    But that really bothers you. That’s not the person you want people to see you as.

    I don’t see any reason why you can’t be the person you want to be. I think you perfectly capable of it.

    In the mist of the conversation we got into the conversation of me having a crush on you and our other male friend I was currently focusing on.

    You realized that I had a thing for him. You realized I use to have a crush on you.

    I’m not sure you realize how desperately I was projecting my feelings on anyone else so I wouldn’t like you.

    I’m not sure you realized that over the summer, when we ended up spending 30 hours a week together because of classes and break, that my resolve crumbled. That I was completely and pathetically infatuated with you again.

    But your behavior changed after that conversation for sure. You started saying “I’m not attracted to you at all” every chance you could get. It hurt. I thought for sure you had realized I liked you again and this was your way of discouraging me…

    Then you and your girlfriend starting going through a rough patch. In the end, she left and broke up with you.

    Well, or so I was told by our friends. You never told me of this event. And your insistence you were not attracted reached an all time high with the kicker being a comparison of you being attracted to me would be like being attracted to your mom. That one stung.

    Then suddenly you stopped, and it was like everything you said was to fix what you said before.

    You confuse the hell out of me.

    Then the thought that maybe you the reason you were saying that wasn’t to discourage me from liking you, but because you thought I still liked the other guy.

    That would mean you were trying to convince everyone you weren’t into me.

    On some level, this makes sense. You would be oblivious enough to think I still liked him. You would be unable to tell that the guy I really like is you.

    But it’s also grabbing at straws. What are the odds that you would go to that extreme lengths to explain how unattractive I am to you and not truly be unattractive to you?

    In all honesty, pretty low. I’m well aware of the fact when you have a crush on someone, how desperately you subconsciously try to convince yourself it isn’t one-side.

    But you confuse me. We’re friends, so the line kind of gets blurry for me. What confuses me is when your behavior is suddenly different. We play fight all the time. You have never pinned me to the floor (or anything else for that matter) before, but you did the other night.

    A month ago when our friends made jokes or I said something that came out wrong and sounded dirty, you would have rejected the thought loudly and completely. Now you timidly say you “probably” wouldn’t do that. Or you “don’t think” you could be convinced to do that.

    I like you. I like you a lot for some reason. I can’t get you out of my head. Even trying to like other guys doesn’t work very well. I can hate your guts and you can still make me like you again.

    I logically knew the moment I got the internship we would never date. I could never fully convince my emotional, optimistic side of this, but logically I understood.

    Logically I understand you just got out of a serious relationship. You have been stressing how unattractive you find me. You aren’t going to ask me out. You see me as just a friend.

    I still like you though. Funny thing, apparently I like you for so many other reasons that having my feeling not reciprocated isn’t enough to stop liking you.

    I’m sorry about your girlfriend, but I also know if you can ever like another girl again (I think you can), you will have no issues sweeping her off her feet.

    Damn you and being so damn charming.

    So cheer up, hold your head up high, and know that I do sincerely want you to be happy. As your friend, but also a girl who always wanted to be more.

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