• To the people I try to stick around for.

    by  • September 19, 2010 • Depression, Grief, Hatred • 4 Comments

    I don’t think I can deal with things anymore. The thoughts in my head disturb me. I’m sure I could be great at many things but my fears get in my way. I don’t deserve what I have.

    I don’t appreciate what I have. I cut myself last night and it hurt. I thought I would be numb to it. The images in my head disturb me and I’m hearing voices.

    I know what I’m capable of. I can feel myself being torn in half. The good being ripped out of me. I’ve lost my faith. I used to believe good things came to you for being good.

    All of the good I’ve had in my life is sheathed in darkness, they are broken. They are less broken than me though. I am a coward. I am shattered and lonely.

    I want what is not mine. The images in my head make it clear to me that I am disturbed, that I need help and am incapable of getting it for myself. The people i love cannot know what is in my head.

    I have to hide myself from them. they just cannot know. They believe I am good. They think I deserve them. I know I don’t . I can see what they can’t. I can see what I hide from them. I can see the truth of my lies. It is time for me to show what I am.

    I love people and I hate them. My family especially. My sister especially. I can see the way my mom looks at her. She hates everything my sister is. At the same time she bends oer backwards for my sister.

    She barely gives me a second glance. I envy my sister. Not for her life or personality but for her two daughters. She has made their lives hell and could care less. The only person she gives a damn about is herself.

    She has always been that way. I love my nieces dearly. I don’t want to hurt them at all and the idea that my actions may do that causes me vast amounts of pain.

    I just can’t do it anymore. I’m broken. I’m hurting. I want all of that to just go away. I’m so sick of dealing. All I can see is what is broken. I am broken. I have two people trying to help me and I repay them by hurting myself.

    I repay them by damaging what they try to fix. I am nothing more than an insolent child. He thinks I’m crying out for attention. Maybe I am. Maybe for once in my life I want my voice to be heard.

    Maybe I’m sick of fading into the background. I know I want to bleed. I want to be murdered. It would make things so much easier. I wouldn’t have a way to back out of it, to be a coward.

    My family wouldn’t have to blame themselves for not helping me. If they even would. He wouldn’t know how much I really hurt. I would beg for someone to kill me, to take the decision out of my hands. I imagine it. I dream about it.

    If god answers prayers, I’m offering myself in place of some innocent person who still wants to live. I’m ungrateful for the life I have, so why make me suffer through it? Send me to Hell, I don’t care, I don’t deserve heaven and I know it.

    Just please end it., take my life from me. Make me stop hurting. Take my pain away. I’m not asking to be happy anymore. I’ve given up on that.

    Just end it. Take my breath away. Stop my heart, make me die painfully, I don’t care. Just let me go. Stop putting them through this torment. Stop making them suffer, I’m begging you, save someone else and end me, please.

    You’ve been incredible and I hope you understand that. There is nothing any of you could do to change my mind.

    I am sorry that any of this is on my mind, I’m sorry that I can’t be ok for you. I’m sorry that I ever let any of you get to know me and get attached to me. I shouldn’t have put you in the position to be hurt like this by me. I’m selfish and I’m sorry.

    4 Responses to To the people I try to stick around for.

    1. admin
      September 19, 2010 at 6:47 am

      We urge you to seek help, if not for yourself, then for your nieces. Suicide is devastating to survivors. Please contact a professional. http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/ 1-800-273-TALK (8255)
      You owe it to your family to at least try. We’ll be thinking and praying for your recovery.

    2. anon
      September 19, 2010 at 8:48 am

      Don’t do it. You can make things better for yourself. This isn’t selfish; even though what you’re doing isn’t good, it’s a healthy coping style for you. You CAN overcome this.
      I get the impression you’re too numb to do anything right now – and if you are, do update. You really need a friend; nobody should have to feel this way.

    3. letterwriter
      September 19, 2010 at 12:50 pm

      I’m still around. That letter was from a few months ago. I made an attempt but didn’t succeed, obviously. That was the letter I had written beforehand in a note book, no one ever saw it. Then I found this site, and just wanted to clear my conscience of it. I have a few people trying to help me with these thoughts more actively now. I ripped up that letter after posting it here. I finally felt like I could let go of it, so thank you for having this site. Sending that made me feel better, everything is out in the open now; it can be seen. The real me is out there. Sending that gave me an outlet for feelings I’d been hanging on to and dwelling on. Again, thank you.

    4. FlutteringHeart
      September 19, 2010 at 2:52 pm

      You are not selfish in wanting to die. But…you do need help. I know it seems that nobody can help you and maybe you don’t want anybody to. I know…I’ve been there! It would be just so much easier not to exist than suffer with the pain you are going through. I almost gave up. I prayed to God and I didn’t really believe in him much at the time. But guess what? He answered my prayers. It took a while but through counseling, a special angel God sent to me and my local church…I was healed and I feel joy today:) I will pray for you! Please don’t kill yourself! Go to a hospital for a while to restore yourself. You sound very young and believe it or not you have a long beautiful road ahead of you. I wish you the best.
      I wish I knew your name to pray for you. But I will still do it anyway:)

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