I’ve told you before that timing is everything. I probably said it joking around or while I was chastising you for something but the truth is: timing… it’s a bitch.
I wish I’d met you a few years from now, when I could just ask you out fair and square. I wish you hadn’t drawn me in with your quirky charm and I wish you didn’t have the hold on me that you do. You can change my mind with just one look and I’m helpless to do what you want.
You always tell me you love me and I reply with “I know” not because I don’t love you but because I’m afraid that you don’t mean it the same way I do. The funny thing is… I’m not supposed to love you at all. I’ve told myself countless times to let it go, to let you go, but I keep letting myself drift back for more abuse.
I can’t let myself give in to you no matter how much I want to and now matter how much you try to convince me that it’s okay. I push you away but I can’t stop caring. I push you away because it keeps you safe and because being friends is what’s right. I push you away because I love you.
You know, I remember what you whispered to me at the party that night, but I was too drunk and too afraid to address it. I should have talked to you right then and there and that is a decision I constantly regret. You were letting me in and I brushed you aside. For that I am eternally sorry.
I’ll never forget what it’s like to hold you; it’s all I want to do anymore. That night you crawled into my lap and fell asleep in my arms was when I knew I was a goner. You and I work, you see… for whatever reason, we just work. The only problem is the timing.
For what it’s worth, I love you. I love you for as long as you’re in my life and even if down the line you’re not. I love you regardless of where we stand and I’ll always be there when you need me.
All my love, forever and always, E