• Joshua I am a moron

    by  • September 19, 2010 • Grief, Heartbreak, Letting Go, Lost Love • 0 Comments

    I don’t know why I was so infatuated with you.

    Your words during the times that we actually opened up to one another are probably what kept the blindfold over my eyes. I went out of my way to make you happy, and in the end that ended up being what broke my heart.

    I tried so hard to make you happy…thinking that if I did everything right you might just turn into this person you told me you once were. You told me that you had been hurt (just like I had) and that you needed to get back to “old Joshua”. Well, he never showed.

    The Joshua I got was the one who had a profile on Fling and dating websites while we were together. I got the Joshua who was too lazy to go out and do fun things to create fun memories, I got the Joshua who didn’t stand up for me, I got the Joshua who would always be late and then because I got mad decided to never set a “time”, I got the Joshua who NEVER did anything out of his way to make me happy, I got the Joshua who started shutting me out, I got the REAL Joshua. THESE ACTIONS WERE YOUR OWN.

    You NEVER had intentions of “changing” and you blamed it all on being hurt before?! I had been hurt too and still took a chance with you. After all this stuff I turned bitter because not once did you go out of your way to make things work or make them better. You didn’t even do anything special with me on Valentines Day, Mothers Day you were such a jerk, and every other “normal” day you always had to let me know somehow that I was just an accessory to your life. I wanted to be in your life and share it with you, not just be your accessory. You completely killed my self esteem and personality when we were together.

    The other day my sister told me that I had changed so much when we were together, and that I became mean and bitter. I now see why. I was giving my all to someone who always took and never gave, and never even appreciated what was being given. I hope eventually one day you will change, and you can learn to do sweet nice things and learn to show love through actions and words. I know it won’t happen though.

    You are 31 years old, there is no changing you. You’re a man who doesn’t know how to treat a woman. You are now dating a 21 year old girl who works at a bar, you seem to get your daughter watched more than you actually see her. You work all the time, then go to the gym, then go grab drinks…where is the time for your daughter? I am so disappointed in you…but more with me.

    I can’t believe for an instant I actually thought you were a good person. You are a user and a scavenger. One terrible decision led to months of agony and loss of self-esteem. I wish I could adopt your daughter…I feel bad for her. You are always going out now, she doesn’t have a good mom, your mother is very nurturing but too controlling and this will effect your relationship with her in the near future I predict and she is just as manipulative as your so called “life long friends”.

    I can’t seem to figure out what it is about you that made me fall for you but I think that it was we had SUCH similar stories, but I am the one who continues to give my all in a relationship even when I have been wronged in the past, you are the one who changed to “only look out for yourself”.

    You’ve made it to where I have no desire to even date anyone. I don’t feel like I can give my all to anyone ever again, and I surely won’t change into someone like you. My only option is to not try again until I am completely ready to give my all again, and this time I will follow my instincts AND warning signs.

    I really did love you, and you broke my heart. You’re a manipulative liar just out looking for the next lay…and what is sad is I knew it right from the start.

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