• Are You Okay?

    by  • September 18, 2010 • Confusion, Depression, Grief, To Everybody, Yearning • 7 Comments

    For months I have been dying for someone, anyone to say those three little words to me: Are you okay?

    Regardless, even if they did, I would probably lie. Because am I okay? I myself do not know. I’m fifteen years old, I have many friends, take five honors classes, come from a privledged family, am somewhat popular, and am on the school poms squad. What right do I have to be sad, worthless, and alone? What right do I have to hate my life when so many other in this world are starving, misunderstood, or homeless? What right to I have to consider suicide when there are innocent, happy people dying every second? People who would give anything to live. People whose families and loved ones would give anything to have them live?

    What right do I have?

    Questions like these plague my mind constantly. My mind is consistently a tornado, thoughts spinning and crashing, making me dizzy. Perhaps it’s just stress. Or is it something more? Do I have a mental problem? Am I depressed?

    I have no right to be, as I explained before. But I just don’t know… Maybe I’m just dramatic. Maybe I’m just dramatic. I constantly crave the attention of others. I imagine death a gratifying. I imagine my friends and family crying over my body at my funeral. Is this wrong?

    At the same time, I know that, if I died, I would be so easily replacable. My best friend has so many best friends, I would be replaced in a snap of the fingers. My friends think that I am clingy and needy, which is of course true. And do you really think that my classmates would think about me in a year? Of course not. I’ve drifted so far apart from my family that even they don’t notice the difference when I am out with my friends or secluded in my room. I am worth nothing. One death would not change the world. The world does not care.

    I feel worthless and stressed on a daily basis. I feel lonely in a crowded room. I feel that the thoughts inside my head are not the thoughts that the average teenager has. Mine are deep and frightening. I feel that no one likes me. No guys do, that’s for sure. 15 and I’ve never been kissed. I just know my friends think I am annoying. I can not even explain how much I cry. I cry when I am angry. I cry when I’m sad. I cry when I’m stressed. I cry for no reason at all. Crying, however, does not mean depression. Does it?

    On the other hand, I have days when I am perfectly normal. Days where I go to bed happy. In fact, I was sobbing moments before I wrote this. Now I am perfectly calm. It seems unfair for me to ask for help, because I do not need it. Why would I need it? Deep inside I am probably just being dramatic. Besides, asking for help would ruin my charade of being the happiest girl on the planet. Asking for help would mean I am not perfect.
    Thank you to all the people who have read this, although I doubt anyone will. If you do, I appreciate you listening. It feels amazing to have someone listen.

    I will continue to let my thoughts torture me. I will continue to despise myself more than anyone I know. I will continue to put on that happy face day after day. I am fine. That’s what I would say if someone asked me that question I desire: Are you okay? I am fine.

    7 Responses to Are You Okay?

    1. understanding
      September 18, 2010 at 5:08 pm

      Please seek help… I know how it is to fight those demons alone, how it feels to never let them escape, never let anyone see your pain…

      Let it out, before you become like me.

    2. Ashley
      September 18, 2010 at 5:32 pm

      First of all, I read it. I care. I don’t know you, but at the same time I do. I was there in high school too, and I felt the same way, although maybe not to the extent you do.
      Second, and I hope you think about it, maybe you should consider finding a therapist. Therapy is changing. It doesn’t hold the negative connotations it once did. It’s not the formal “lying on a couch and spilling your secrets” thing anymore. I think you’d benefit from saying these things out loud to someone. I wasn’t able to until I got to college, but let me assure you, it helps.
      Lastly, people care about you. Sometimes I still feel like no one cares, and it’s hard. But then I think of what I plan on doing with my life, and it makes me realize that, yea, one day I’m going to help change someone elses. You’re younger than me, so maybe you don’t know what you’re going to do yet. But one day you will, and in some way, even if it’s a small one, you WILL impact someone’s life in a positive way. So you most definitely matter.
      I hope you do what’s best for you. Good luck.
      P.S. I’m twenty. I’ve only been kissed once. The longer you wait, the more it will mean. So don’t worry. You are still very young. You’ll be ok 🙂

    3. Yessie
      September 18, 2010 at 6:16 pm

      I completely understand having to keep up the perfectly smiling face. Because even if people DID ask me if I was ok, I would lie through my teeth before risking the idea that I am less than put together at any given time.
      I understand feeling like you can’t justify feeling the way you do, because you’ve been given so much more than other people.
      I just completely understand.

    4. Katie
      September 18, 2010 at 10:12 pm

      I want you to know I’m sorry you feel that way. I know what it’s like and I hope you decide to live, because you’re only in high school. I promise it gets better. I do recommend telling your parents how you feel, you might realize that they do care.

    5. Alana
      September 27, 2010 at 6:49 pm

      You are beautiful.
      You are amazing.
      Please don’t leave.
      You don’t realize your impact you have on others.
      One day you will see how much everyone loves you,
      Even people like me, who don’t even know you.
      We only see your touching and beautiful writing.
      It’s not worth it.
      It won’t be “just another death”
      It will be another horrible tragedy,
      and a beautiful person lost.

    6. Ren
      September 28, 2010 at 12:32 am

      High School is a confusing time. If not your friends, then boys, then homework, teachers, pressure. You are not alone, even though you may feel that way. Please talk to someone because there is tremendous comfort in letting it out. Also, you seem like a fantastic writer, channel your depression through art (poems, dance, paintings, stories, anything). I promise it is a therapy.

    7. Nobody
      July 18, 2011 at 2:18 pm

      I’ve found a vice for my depression: Creation. Create something beautiful. Something inspiring. Something memorable. Something worthwhile. And then never let it go.

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