• What were you thinking?

    by  • September 17, 2010 • Breaking Up, Heartbreak, Love - Pure and Simple, Miss You, Yearning for You • 0 Comments

    I’m so mad at you right now.

    And the worst part is that it doesn’t even matter because you don’t care or won’t want to try and fix it.

    I hate everything about my life right now and it’s so hard not to blame it all on you. You gave me everything I ever wanted, and then in one swift motion decided to take it all away. I don’t know that I will ever really understand why you did what you did. You gave up on us.

    Was it because we had lost the passion that we once had? Because I have to tell you, that doesn’t always mean you fell out of love, sometimes it’s just something that happens when you get older. Mature people don’t care as much to go out and party or how often they make out or have sex. But that doesn’t mean what you have isn’t a good thing.

    We were so good together that it kills me to even try to imagine having what we had with someone else. I know that it’s still pretty recent and it might change over time, but I don’t think I can ever love someone the same way. I’m afraid to. I don’t want to ever feel like this again. And I’m afraid of getting involved with someone else for fear of even the smallest tiniest chance that you might want me back someday and I might break their heart in the same way you broke mine, just because I know I wouldn’t be able to say no to you.

    I feel so broken and empty and miserable now. The things l used to really enjoy no longer have meaning. I can’t knit anymore. I’m so busy with school, but not even that helps. All I can think about is you and what you are doing and why it would be so much better without me there too.

    I’m mad that my best friend is still living you and that she has no choice but to be in the middle of us. She will mention your name in passing and it feels like a punch in the face. I’m so jealous that she still gets to see you every day, and I try not to hate her for it. She caught me talking to you the other day because she was looking through your phone, did you know that? She was mad because I had said some stupid things about her that I really shouldn’t have, and so even she was ignoring me for awhile.

    This hurts so much, I don’t know how to deal with it. I ride trains past your apartment four times a day and each time I go past I want to cry. I’ve had stressful days, I’ve had bad and shitty days, but the day you broke up with me was the worst day of my life. And now what do I do?

    The only thing that really made me feel better after having a shitty day was talking to you about it and knowing that it would eventually be ok. But now the only person who would have had the capability to fix me is the one that made me feel this way.

    I guess I must have taken you for granted, because I just never stopped to think about what I would do without you. It will take me a very long time before I can trust anyone again, if I ever do. I have never had any man in my life who didn’t disappoint me and walk out. I guess my dad left for the same reasons; being alone was better than being with people he didn’t want to spend time with.

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