What am I thinking about? That’s what you always ask me. I can’t tell you the truth. I want to but the thoughts are kind of fucked up. Any given moment of any given day I’m thinking of you. I’m thinking of meeting up with you.
I’m thinking of you sweeping me off of my feet and into an alley, pressing me against a wall and exploring my body in the dark. I’m thinking of how your lips would feel on mine and of how everything you know about me will lead to an intense rush of passion. I’m thinking of how much I want to feel you take control of everything and just take me.
I’m thinking of what my husband would think if he found out what was on my mind. How jealous he would be that you occupy so much of my time and how when I kiss him so passionately it is you that comes to mind.
You see no value in yourself and question why I would want to be your friend, why I care whether you live or die. I’m telling you now it’s cause I’m completely fucked up. I want what I can’t have. I fantasize about you and me being together, knowing that you’re not attracted to me in the least. I’ve flirted and you look at me like you’re my big brother.
The more I know I can’t have you, the more I want you. The funny thing is, I used to think about my husband the same way, but now I have him and I’m bored. I want you. I can’t love you though. I’ll never love you. I’m not capable of it.
I want you to be happy and I want to fuck you. I want to make you blush and I want you to have the best months of your life with me. But then I’ll get bored and move on.
Want to know a secret? The reason I talk to you about wanting to kill myself is cause I like hearing the concern in your voice. I like it when you hug me. I used to hide those thoughts. I like it when you wipe away my tears. I like it when you comfort me and you feel useful, like you’re protecting me.
I’m a horrible person. I know this. I tell you this constantly and you always try to reassure me that I’m not. Tonight you’re going to fuck me and I’m going to turn your world upside down, even if it’s only in my dreams.