• I had finally found happiness…

    by  • September 16, 2010 • Grief, Heartbreak, Lost Love, Miss You, Regret, Yearning for You • 0 Comments

    …and that was having her in my life, with you still there… I sat by for months and months in love with you trying to spend “time” with you online. But alas, you had a boyfriend who you are/were planning to marry and who you joined a religion for…

    He is self destructive, detached, and controls you…I was just weird and genuinely care about you…I fucked up a few times, said/did things that I look back on with regret every day. You offered advice when I met her, provided me with relationship advice that almost broke us up… You spent an evening talking to her, to convince her to “never make the mistake [you] did” and to “never lose me”…

    Two months later you performed a surgical removal of me from your life with no warning at all…One moment we are talking, the next you are quiet and then sign off… I figure it was just your connection… you sign back on, I welcome you back and you thank me… then disappear again. For real.

    You then told a mutual friend/acquaintance that I had been trying to manipulate you and control you…And that talking to me had become “forced”… I have read over the logs of us talking more times than I would care to admit and none of it ever seemed forced to me…(minus an immensely stupid comment I made that I am afraid tipped the scales against me, you told me I should be upset with her, that her not being in contact was not ok…That I had every right to be hurt…You encouraged me…)

    So after being assured by all the people that we both knew from the chat that you would be back and that this couldnt be for real…I hoped they were right, but I knew from the start that things would never go back to how they were… So I sent you a letter, a letter in which I attempted to be as brave as I could be, to try to make things as easy on you as possible…I regret that every day… I couldn’t bring myself to attempt to impeach your own choice again… I saw how it hurt you the first and only time and I never wanted to hurt you…

    And the fact that you cut me out of your life on the day that I confided in you that I finally felt happy…just makes it all worse. You said you left because you love me, but all your leaving has done is make the illness I got a month after worse, left me with noone to confide in, left me with nobody to really talk to, left me with her in my life and without you…

    I have come to realize lately that given my fragile mental state lately I would give everything up…just to talk to you again like we used to… I can’t let go, I can’t stop browsing your photos in a vain attempt at being “close” to you…I can’t delete you from my buddy list…It hurts too much.

    This subject has been something I have thought long and hard about, and despite the urging of others to “just move on” and the fact that I know all this is for naught…but I can’t stop trying, can’t stop thinking about you, caring about you.

    I love you…Sarah, and I wish I had told you that before it was too late…

    I have a feeling I will regret that all my life.

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