• It was never YOU that I resented, it was heroin

    by  • September 15, 2010 • Addiction, Frustration, Grief, Heartbreak, Letting Go, Love - Pure and Simple, Miss You, Yearning for You • 0 Comments

    My love,

    It has been nearly 3 months since we both departed our different ways, and I can honestly say that not one day has gone by where you haven’t crossed my mind.

    I read this site daily, if not hourly hoping you are one of the many authors out there who are writing a letter in hopes that I read it.

    We haven’t communicated much since we broke up, it’s either we exchange words of venom to one another or one of us gets ignored. Now we aren’t communicating at all, we’re both silent and I’m praying that you’re doing well.

    I need to write this letter and get it exposed because I need closure between us, since we never officially closed the door on us. It’s been 85 days of pure relief, sadness, freedom, anger, regret, gratitude, smiles, and tears for me and it’s time I let you go and move on in my life.

    But before I do so, I want you to know that I meant every promise I made to you, I meant it when I said I loved you..for just being you. Don’t ever think otherwise, nor believe the idea that you’re not good-enough. You were always good enough, who you are as a person was more than I ever could have asked for. I was so very lucky and grateful to have had the opportunity to cross paths with you here on Earth.

    However, the choices you made took away that person I know you are. Those choices stripped you of every positive moral and good value you stood proud for. But in no way do I attach those angry and hurt feelings I have with your choices on your character as a person.

    I met you over a year ago, and we hit it off right from the start. I was almost at a year sober and I was starting to doubt the new route in life I had chosen to make for myself, until you came into my life. You gave me exactly what I was looking for my whole life; you gave me what I thought drugs and alcohol would do for me. You gave me love. You gave me the sense of belongingness as well as purpose. You gave me the feeling of happiness just by the way you’d smile at me. You made me feel whole. Thank you for giving me those feelings, because it took me almost 21 years to know what it felt like to feel as though I mattered.

    You also allowed me to be myself and feel accepted for who I was, despite my past and my family. You accepted me and all my little antics. I wish I could say something more than just ‘thank you’ because I know it doesn’t do much justice at expressing how truly grateful I am for allowing me to experience what it means to love and be loved in return.

    We were together for 11 months, and I understand it wasn’t all that long but because of all the obstacles we were forced to overcome, the similarities we shared, the profound conversations that deepened our level of intimacy and the connection you and I shared was not something most couples ever experience; at 11 months or even at 11 years.

    You and I had something that was remarkable, and we had people jealous.. but we were also very toxic, and at times had the relationship neither of us had ever imagined. This isn’t a letter of who’s fault it is, nor am I going to write the long list of poisons that ruined our love story. There are just a few things that I want to express in hopes that my heart can start detaching from the memories we once were and I can start to live in the moment and solely live for today.

    I love you, you were my first love, my first everything to be honest. Since prior to meeting you, anything I had done before was in my old life which was centered around alcohol. I didn’t have feelings, of any kind. I didn’t know what it was like to just smile for no reason, until I met you. BUT, yes there’s always a but.. I can honestly say, I hate your addiction. I hate drugs, of any kind but especially heroin because they have taken the one good thing I had in my life away from me. They took away my best friend, my cheerleader, my love, my purpose, my sense of belonging; they took away my smile all because they took away who you really are.

    As a result the loving person who promised he’d never hurt me because I was so precious, who never wanted to see me cry, who made me weak in the knees all because of that million-dollar smile you have..the drugs changed all that. The lies, the stealing, the manipulation, the betrayal, the fighting, the neediness, the consequences of drugs made you someone you weren’t and this is why it’s so hard.

    It makes this situation so much harder, because I’m not mad at you, I don’t hate you, I don’t have ONE bad thing to say about you..because that’s not who you are. I truly believe in my heart that you are the kind, honest, loving person that I was able to fall in love with.

    You’d always say you never felt good-enough and that was so far from the truth. Drugs will convince you that you aren’t good-enough because it’s a selfish disease that wants to keep you sucked in. Drugs will make you lie, cheat, steal, and betray the one’s who love you for you. It’s the drugs who hate you, the drugs who took away your self-esteem; it’s the heroin that will keep you trapped in your depression and emptiness because you haven’t been able to experience the gifts that life has to offer all because heroin has you held hostage.

    Drugs hate me too, I know from my own personal struggles I’ve faced in my past but also the obstacles I faced in our journey together. It brought out the worst in me, I didn’t mean to resent you; I resented the drugs. I didn’t mean to say mean things to you, because I meant those harsh words for the drugs. I never wanted you to feel not good enough, it was the drugs I wanted to belittle and destroy.

    I wanted to save you while you were caught up and lost in that life, because it was worth it for me to see you be the person God sought out for you to be. It didn’t matter what I had to do to save you, but as long as I knew you’d finally get to experience the rewards of life and the meaning of truly loving yourself, made it all worth it. You deserve to love yourself for just being you. You deserve to smile, and be happy and proud of the man you’ve come to be. You deserve to reflect on all that you’ve accomplished, you deserve to dream again and reach your goals in life. Because you deserve it, and are fully adequate enough to do it. This is why I hate drugs.

    When I told you I loved you, I meant it. It wasn’t just at that moment nor was it just when you were sober… I meant it for the good and for the bad.

    I still love you now, and I know I always will love you.

    I miss you as my best friend. I miss having you here to talk to me, I miss having that connection with someone because it’s very special bond, and not everyone experiences it. I miss every-little-aspect of you in my life. The way you drive your Subaru, the 1000000 questions you’d ask over something so simple and minute (but you wanted to know every detail..), the way you’d tear up when expressing how much you loved me.

    I miss our late night talks, the endless amount of coffee we’d consume, your knowledge of celebrity gossip and name-brands humored me. I miss you. I miss the real you. I wish we would have ended on better terms, I wish you would have just told me the truth that you slipped up again, rather than run away from me.

    I never wanted to become your enemy; I only wanted to help you live out your God-Driven purpose in life. But this time I can’t come save you for as much as I want to. Only you can help you, but I will promise you that I’ll always be here to listen and help you. But you have to make the contact with me.

    I now have to start letting you go, because it’s hard waiting for you to come back. Not just in terms of coming back to me, but in terms of coming back to being yourself again without the tight hold that drugs have on you. I pray one day you realize that drugs won’t fill the voids you have inside, they will only make them bigger and will make life much more worse.

    Allow me to fill those voids for you, allow yourself to accept and believe you are capable of being loved.

    Love you always,
    Your Babygirl

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