You broke my heart in freshman year of high school.
You had your reasons and at that time I chalked them up to it being freshman year. I don’t know what you thought at that time. But it hurt, I never showed it but I just didn’t know how. Later I would realize it was my own indecisiveness.
In sophomore year it happened again and ended nearly as quickly. Again the pain was complete. I never showed it to anyone just because I thought I couldn’t. I blamed it on you for near the same reasons even though later I realized I had made the same mistake. I was still horribly awkward, indecisive, and not confident in relationships. Was my own fault but unfortunately for me could not have been fixed till later in life.
You would assume that I had felt nothing during the first relationship. That was due to my extreme disconnection to pain. You again assumed when we talk that I had felt nothing during the second falling out, but this time it was worse. I realized it was more my fault than yours and was filled with remorse.
Later we rekindled our longstanding friendship again. But my own devotion to friendship, ironically, ruined ours again. MOST regrettably I had actually directly ended our friendship. My constant guilt over my rage and drowning you out never stopped. If only I would have let you speak and listened I might have understood. Years later later after much guilt and an increase in self confidence that is one of the few things I can say positively affected me from the military I learned to accept my feelings, not just of guilt for what I had said, and I apologized. It is a detriment to my own character, unfortunately, that it took that long and that sort of influence to finally get me to talk to you about my feelings.
Immediately you forgave me and I was infinitely grateful. But guilt wasn’t the only driving factor. Not only did I regret ruining our friendship I regretted ruining our relationship without giving it any chance to actually go anywhere. I still had the feeling for you I had before despite what had happened, despite what I had done to you, and despite what you had done to me. I am not sure who was at fault in any of this and I think I should shoulder most of the blame.
But regardless I feel stronger about you than I ever had before and from my recent visit it seems like you feel the same way. I despise myself for even presenting my feelings to you when I know you are involved, but something had to be said. I reiterate my thoughts here merely for a place to store them and reflect on them. Maybe you will see them and gain an insight that was not previously available. I don’t know. This was more of a release for me. Even if it had to be anonymous I had to say something even slightly specific. I only want you to be happy but I think that I can make you more than happy.
-with every hope that you see this despite me already telling you this…