I don’t even know where to begin, except here.
Here, almost 11 years to the day from when I met you, and 4 hours from the 8th wedding anniversary we will never share together.
11 years from the day I gazed upon you from across the room, at the meeting we both attended for free pizza, pizza which we also ate the night of our elopement.
This is our story, the one we told our family, our friends, strangers, of the beginning of the greatest love I’ve ever known and I am afraid will ever know.
You were the most striking woman I had ever seen, and I could tell there was madness, intensity, and passion in your blue within blue eyes. I flirted with you, you had a boyfriend, and it didn’t matter to me. In weeks you were mine and I thought you would always be, I was going to make sure of that.
And I never could be sad, never hurt too badly with you at my side. You were the anchor for my soul, the truth at the end of the day. It didn’t matter what was happening, as long as I was with you I was untouchable, unshakable, and eternally happy. But just as suddenly as you arrived, you have left.
I am not going to filter this too much; at this point I am not even sure if this is for you or for me. Doesn’t much matter, I just need to get it out. I am completely lost here. Not in the sense of what I want or where I want to go, in fact that has never, ever been clearer to me. But I am lost, without you, without my best friend, my lover, my advisor, my confidante, my FAMLIY, and who I still consider my soul mate.
To have that ripped away, not slowly, not with any foreknowledge, is incomprehensible. I keep thinking I know what is coming, that I am over the worst, or that I’ve plumbed the depths already, but new lows, new highs keep coming. I have no real idea how you are feeling, as you have been pretty close lipped about this whole thing.
This is how I feel. I feel lost and hollow without you, without knowing I can call you and say I love you, or hold you and take in your smells, or wrap my arms around you and pull you close, or bury my face, my essence deep within you, within your chest, within your body.
I never thought this would be here. Unfortunately I counted on that fact, and maybe that was my downfall, or our downfall. I know I need to give you time to miss me, perhaps you already do, I cannot know. Your excitement for this new life, to be separate, is palpable and disturbing. It hurts to know you are happy, at peace when I am being ripped apart at the core.
What is the deal with that anyways? How does one even be that cold and turn off all feelings for someone they loved for so long and so intensely?
You have broken my heart, and it will never heal the same. I can’t even describe how bad it felt and still feels. But I won’t try anymore, at least to you. I’m done. No more. And I’ll try and shed as many tears as I saw you shed for me, as I literally broke apart in front of you. Not a fucking one. Who does that? Who can be that way in front of someone they claim to care about deeply and love?
I know you so well, and love you so much, even the things I pretended to hate, like your talking at the movies, or the way you get pushy with your feet when you want em rubbed, or the way you separate all your food and cherry pick the best parts off of my plate, or incorrectly name actors all the time. I love these things about you, I always will.
We shared so much, loved so deeply, so intensely, through so many hardships and highs, I just still can’t believe you chose now of all times, now as everything was going good, was going right, on the cusp of the biggest adventure of all, to end things so abruptly.
I’m still in shock, still shocked. When will this end? Can I ever find you, find love like that again? Or am I permanently damaged, scarred.
I guess I’ll find out….. or die trying.