It has been about six months since that day, the day that changed everything, the day that I lost trust in you, the day that you hurt me so deeply.
I still live every day as though it were this very day.
My body is rid of any physical ailments, but my heart, mind, and soul are full of trauma. I still have nightmares and feel the shock collar around my neck. I am terrified of anyone getting close to my neck and all I continue to think about is everything that happened. I have tried every day to let you back in my life, but I just can’t bring myself to do it.
Our conversations on that Wednesday night and on the phone still run through my mind. I just can’t seem to get some of things you said out of my thoughts. The problem I keep running into is trying to believe some of the things you told me. I guess I will never be able to believe that you were unintelligent enough to be convinced at the age of 30 that a shock collar would tickle me. I mean all I keep picturing is you telling Brent that I, one of your good friends, should be put through this because I am “tough enough” to take it. This is what does not add up for me. You said that you thought it would tickle and also that you thought I would be tough enough which leads me to the conclusion that you knew there would be some element of pain involved. This is where it ends for me.
You not only let this happen to me by not stopping it, but you are the reason that I was put in that situation, you volunteered my name. I validate that there is a chance that Brent really played it down when he told you, but that does not change my feelings about our relationship. If I knew that my friend was going to be blindfolded, with their hands tied behind their back, and then get shocked, I would stop it immediately. These three things are the classic examples of torture, so how could you not see that?
I definitely don’t put all the blame on you, but I do put enough to say that I can forgive you since that is not my right to withhold it, but I can no longer have you in my life in any way. I know that you are a good person, but you really were not thinking in this situation, so how can I trust that you will be able to think in the future and protect me?
See the thing is, I have people in my life that would have stopped this, that would have taken the time to think deeply about it, and that would have protected me. This shows me that I deserve a lot better and can expect more from my relationships.
You know to be honest, I was really unhappy with the way our relationship was before this incident which makes it more difficult to let you back in. There were multiple times that you were very disrespectful to me and didn’t even apologize after the fact, so when this incident happened, I just felt more of the same emotion, hurt.
I mean maybe if things had been stronger before, things would be different now, but the reality is that they were not. I realize that you have done everything humanly possible to show me how sorry you are, but I have come to realize that nothing you do or say is going to change my mind. I thought that time would, but time has just shown me that I am better off cutting you out of my life.
I wanted to send you this letter so that you stop trying to get me back and hoping that it might happen. I don’t want to lead you on or give you any false hope. Honestly, I hope that this whole situation has taught you a lot and that nothing will ever happen like this again.
The last thing I want to say to you is thank you. Thank you for being used by God to wake me up and get my attention. Thank you for showing me that this church was not the place for me to be, that God has far greater plans for me at my new found church. This was the best and the worst thing that could have happened, but I am glad that it did so that I could reconnect with my Father and learn how to have a personal relationship with Him.