Today when I was chatting with you, like really chatting, for the first time in months, I said out loud while on the phone with a friend “oh goodness” with a hint of smiling in my voice. My friend on the phone immediately wanted to know what was making my smile and I tried to explain how you just… make me happy. Just get me.
I should have taken our friendship as it was and ran with it. But the fact was that I was too comfortable with you, there weren’t any boundaries or pressure. We called each other on our shit and kept each other in line. Through late night chats and daily hangouts, you easily became the person I had been looking for to add into my life, and that scared me. So I did what I knew, and pushed you away. I hate that I did that.
So now, we are probably about 1300 miles away in two totally different lives. While we keep in touch, I know we could be keeping in touch with totally different levels of attachment. Of all the mistakes I have made with friendships, this is the one I look back on with the “what ifs” the most.
Maybe someday down the road when we are closer and at the same points in our lives, I can try to make amends, but I do recognize that what I found in our friendship is what I need to find in others, in a future significant other.