• This is for you, Sugarcube.

    by  • September 12, 2010 • Anger, Eff Off - You - or Up, Frustration, Grief, Heartbreak, Lost Love, Resentment, Sex • 0 Comments

    Imagine this.

    You are super psyched to go take a trip traveling about 2600 miles away from your home, into a different element.

    That person tells you how much they’d like it if you came out and saw them and all this shit for their birthday. You agree 100% and you tell them to give you a date so you can take time off work. They don’t reply to you. They read your messages on myspace and they don’t respond. So, you’re sitting here wondering wtf. Why? Why? What the fuck did you do to deserve being ignored?

    Now I have heard from you in days? REALLY? Fuck you. I have been there for you more than anyone has in your entire life and I can say that because even when we were fighting and I HATED your fucking existence..I still answered your calls and consoled you.

    I am so angry and so hurt. So fucking hurt. If I don’t hear from you in the next two days..we are fucking..we are just…done. I don’t want contact with someone who treats me like that.

    You are a fucking piece of shit to me right now. That’s about how much I care. I needed to vent this. You are the only thing I looked forward to all year and you had to go and ruin it for me. I struggle through work every single fucking day and this is what you do to me. I sit there at working making it through for you, telling myself this is for YOU, and not me, and it gets me through.

    But you know what? Maybe for once MY life should be about ME and not YOU. I want to cry right now, but I can’t let myself, because that means that I care. And if I don’t cry I know that means I am strong enough to live without you. And it will be a big shock to have me, someone who has been a rock for you, gone. I will disappear. Off the internet. Off everything. I will delete everything you’ve tried to contact me on. I will block private calls, and every number I know you have. Don’t test me, because I know your world would be so much shittier without me in it. It’s been the unspoken rule our entire relationship, friends or otherwise. I have always been the only one who cared. The only one to actually put up with your bullshit thinking you are better than everyone, thinking you are smarter, hotter, and cooler than everyone.

    The reality is that you are a scared little girl who can’t make up her own fucking mind. When you get bored with those people, don’t expect me to come back. Don’t expect me to just be there. I have no interest anymore. I feel very hollow right now. I feel very sad. But I deserve to be treated better.

    I am beautiful. I am far more intelligent than any other human being you will ever meet. I am classy and tasteful. I am deep and I am everything I have always been. I have never tried to be anything else. I am a nerd, a fool, a lover, a sister, a daughter, a friend, a best friend, a writer (although this isn’t actually writing, this is just some thoughts poured into a bucket called the internet), a scientist, and I am everything I have always wanted to be…except yours.

    I am not yours. I will not be yours ever again. You lost the right to me. Your lost the right to my heart. You have no power over me. My stupid thoughts about love and about us and about anything having to do with you are fucking smashed.

    I should be the true me. The bitch that fucks without feelings, because honestly, loving you never got me anywhere, but fucking did. It got me to the place I really wanted to be. The second that orgasm hit me, was better than anything you could offer me. Thoughts of you used to enchant my very soul, and now, the more I think about it, it was like a curse. A stupid fucking curse. And the only way to get rid of it, is to do what I KNOW I love and that’s fucking. And it sure as fuck is not with you.

    I hope you know that I mean it when I say sex is better than you’ll ever hope to be. It was great the other night. I love it when they say, “God baby, everytime with you is amazing…every single time you get me to where I want to be.” Lol, it’s kind of humorous. It took me 6 fucking years to realize that something so simple yet complex…could be better than you. The deepest of mysteries to me. 🙂 I need you to know this….

    I am not yours.
    I will not be here for you when your life is fucked up. I will not answer your fucking phone calls.
    I will not cater to your every wish.
    I will not hold my life back anymore because thoughts of you. I will not feel guilty for fucking people.
    I will not feel sad when I date someone else.
    I will not fucking feel like I am cheating when my tongue is down someone’s throat.
    Fuck you.
    I am God as far as you are concerned and the second I am gone is the second you will realize just how bad you’ve fucked up with me.

    Take your fucking alcohol induced life and shove it.

    You know why I kissed your friend while I was there to meet you? Because I used to like her and she liked me. That’s why. You wanna know why you know nothing about other things that happen in my life? Because you’re a selfish lonely bitch and you will be your entire life. But me? I’m set.

    Thanks for wasting 6 years of my life, you rude, stupid bitch.

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